hatezorlovez

2011-03-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

Motherfuckingshit. I literally typed out a lie saying how busy I've been and how it has left me unable to make love to your eyes with the written word. In all reality, I have had a normal person's job and it is so exhausting and soul-sucking that I just haven't had enough emotion in me to develop a lovez or hatez. Well, enough is enough.

Today, I MOTHER FUCKING HATEZ:

PEOPLE WHO NAME ARBITRARY THINGS

Look, it's pretty simple: don't name anything that isn't living. Cars, amps, genitalia, whatever. If you're one of those assholes that will rebut this with "Well, (insert STUPID FUCKING NAME FOR YOUR CAR/AMP/GENITALIA/WHATEVER) does have a soul!", then I think you should stop reading right now, find the closest person you can, and ask them to honestly tell you how stupid you are. (You're welcome for that reality check.) You also probably think that wearing glitter is cute, are one of those adults that own stuffed animals, and need to get laid.
No one cares about your shit. Ever. And the fact that you took the time to think of a name to call something instead of saying "my ______" shows that you really are a sad, self-indulgent, boring turd. I can't think of anything else to say other than WHY? I can't remember people's names a lot of the time, much less trying to keep up with what I call my fucking green pen (Greeny?). I hate you, asshole.

WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY OWN THE SAME THING YOU'RE WEARING

"Ohmygod! Cute dress! Is that from Urban Outfitters? I totally have that same outfit!" Fuck. Off. Firstly, why would you ask me where I got the shits if you know where it's from? Secondly, why, for Pete's sake, do you think I care that you also own it? Are you also wearing it now and I've recently gone blind so you're telling me this so we can quickly MacGyver our clothes as to save face and not be accidental matchers? Do you think telling me you also have it is going to excite a brilliant idea of us going somewhere and publicly, as adults, wearing matching clothes? No. I hate people that match. I think that twins are fucking freaks and it makes my skin crawl when they dress the same. This being said, NATURALLY, I want us to wear the same outfit. Thanks for letting me know you have it. (Also, hand to God, if one of my friends buys an item of clothing [or any variation of it] that I already own, it is a well known rule that the first owner calls dibs and gets priority when it is worn. The other person is shit out of luck and will have to wear a napkin if need be.) Lastly, thanks for the compliment, I know I buy attractive clothing, but would you be saying anything about it if you didn't own it? Don't lie. Take your cool-brag and get out of here, turd wad.

The only thing I lovez today is

RICKY GERVAIS, STEVEN MERCHANT, & KARL PILKINGTON
These men are my gods. They are hilarious, minimally attractive, British, and rich. Ricky Gervais also happens to have the best laugh known to man. They have my ideal life, excepting the fact that they don't bang Robert Pattinson on a regular basis (to my knowledge). I have always been a fan of Ricky Gervais, but recently was introduced to An Idiot Abroad and The Ricky Gervais Show. An Idiot Abroad is how I was introduced to the Crackle and Pop to Ricky's Snap. It primarily focuses on Karl, who travels around the world on terrible trips that Ricky and Steven have set up to basically torture him, as he is the dullest, whiniest fuck on the planet. It is 100% the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. The Ricky Gervais show features the three of them, sitting in a room talking about random shit, and listening to Karl's skewed, retarded take on said shit. Like this
"Q:At the same time, though, you credit them for the career you have now.
A:Without a doubt, if it wasn’t for Ricky and Steve, there’s no way I’d be sitting here talking to you now. There’s no getting away from that. But we all get help along the way, don’t we, really? That’s what I said about Jesus getting known only because his dad was known."
It is 100% the second funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. On top of this, they all just seem like really wonderful dudes. They're smart, but not too smart, seem normal enough, and they make the word "cunt" sound pleasant. Please stop watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and check their shit out. RULES!

2010-07-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today I'm in a pretty good mood because I took a nap at work and had a nice BM. Therefore, I lovez:

Pancakes

Dude. Don't tell anybody. I'm a big hater of breakfast, but pancakes are just fucking delightful. You know, when you first get them and they're still warm. Man, I imagine that's as awesome as what a 14 year old boy having sex for the first time feels. Most people have sex at 14, right? That's totally normal, right? Shit. I will say, however, that I do NOT eat syrup on pancakes. That shit is disgusting. Strawberries allllll the way, homes.

SURFING!

Man, surfing is so awesome. I think. I've never actually done it, but, God does it look cool. Like, just gliding on top of the water, being all tan and sporty. I'm jealous. If I were a surfer, I wouldn't pay money for a tan, to get my hair dyed blonde, or for a gym membership and it would also be acceptable for me to say "like" as much as I want and be stupid. This is my dream life.
There are a few down sides, though. Mainly that you have to be in the ocean and be out in the sun all day. Also, fuck sharks. Scariest things ever.

Oh, it's also not laying on the couch in sweatpants watching TV, so I don't know if I'm into actually doing it, but it's totally one of those things that I'll say I want to do so people think I'm "that type", when in all reality I'm an unadventurous heffer. WOMP WOMP.

The only thing I hatez today is

The Debbie Downer friend

I don't think this one of those types of friends that every group has because most people try to avoid them. You know, they're that asshole that always has something negative to say, can't ever have fun doing anything, and shits all over everyone else's fun. This might sound a lot like me, but there's a difference between us, perhaps only slight, but it still exists: I do this to be funny, and not because I'm a miserable bitch. I just think being mean to people is funnier than poop jokes. Everyone has their own style of humor, and mine is being a H8R. I'm not a Debbie Downer, though, because when in the right circumstances (think: hanging out at a bar with a bunch of my girlfriends doing shots of whiskey and bullshitting with a bartender) I am buckets and buckets of silly, pleasant fun. I actually don't care about writing about hating Debbies anymore, because now I'm too busy thinking about the last time that I went out with my girlfriends. They had to stop my from getting in a limo full of dudes in Ed Hardy button-ups trying to give me Four Lokos. God, I'm the funnest girl ever!

2010-05-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

Oh hey. I didn’t forget about you, I’ve just been busy making out with Robert Pattinson and rolling around in piles of money or slaving away in an office listening to people talk about dumb shit I don’t care about while I make just enough money to take the burden of my bills off my parents. One of those. Anyway, let me tell you about some shit I lovez and hatez.

Firstly, I hatez:
Hippies

This has always been a tough thing for me to admit because I swear on all of my unborn children that if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to any place that I wanted to, it would be Woodstock. I’d get loaded out of my mind and lay in the mud, have lots of literally dirty sex and let Jimi Hendrix blow my mind. So how can I hate hippies so much if I’d give my children to be one? I’d be one for three days, then I’d go home, get a job, and look normal. I don’t mind their ideas of peace and love, that’s really nice…for five year olds and retarded kids. I basically just hate the idea of free loaders, especially free loaders that smell like patchouli. Well, patchouli and shit. Most of the “hippie” kids I know don’t wear deodorant (because it gives you cancer?) and I have even heard of people “washing” their hair with vinegar and baking soda. Come on. Lastly, my problems with hippies goes back to their ideals. Now, I don’t agree with genocide or mass slayings or anything, but war is necessary sometimes to protect our great nation, so don’t be a little bitch about it. America, fuck yeah.

I also really fucking hatez

Nazis

Man, what pieces of shit. Like, seriously, thanks for the really good genes (these big blues and phenomenal cheek bones had to come from somewhere), but why is you hatin’ on Jews and shit? I often get on kicks where I get obsessed with something for like a week and the Holocaust seems to be one that keeps coming back. *Note to reader: public libraries look at you strangely and judgingly when you have $150 to pay for Nazi films you stole.
During my most recent kick, I watched the movie Boy in the Striped Pajamas, a document on Auschwitz, and re-watched Sophie’s Choice. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KIDS THOSE FUCKERS KILLED IN THOSE THREE MOVIES ALONE?! How do you make Meryl Streep choose which one of her fucking kids is going to die?! I almost wish Hitler was still alive so he could get skull fucked on a daily basis. Please read something about the Holocaust to get it fresh in your brain. It will piss you off and make you love everyone. Even if Jews are cheap.

BTW, apparently Nazi symbols are banned on a shit load of picture hosting websites, so you get the Soup Nazi.

Today I only lovez:

Meryl Streep

For some reason she reminds me of my mom. Not my actual mom, because that ho has a mouth like a sailor and has been known to make grown men cry, but you know how sometimes you think about people and they just manifest in a super positive light, where they’re like, nicer and better looking but you just imagine them that way. That’s what Meryl Streep is for my mom. Shit. That sounded real bad.
Anyway, I love Meryl Streep because she’s an amazing actress and she has a real knack for picking the perfect role. I mean, she’s Sophie for Christ’s sake. She had to make the hardest decision ever. Nothing she’s ever done has been tasteless, bad, or inappropriate, yet most of her roles have been vastly different and she’s done them all extremely well. I think that’s pretty respectable and really rare in her field of work. Examples:

Oh, I also love her because she looks like she could be in my family and is really beautiful. And we’re really beautiful and other beautiful people make us just feel more comfortable because we get each other’s struggle.

2010-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in a shitty mood.

I lovez:

Social Networking Sites

I don't really love these. I think they're sort of depressing. Everyone has that friend that tries to be too witty and weird and whatever, there's always that faggot who writes motivational shit all the time and lastly, my personal favorite, the person who, despite being at a computer, types in "text". I really like what it shows about people. Take me, for example. I have no friends these days and don't have a life either, so I use social networking to entertain myself and talk about the things I would otherwise tell another human being. I also use them to look at myself. I am really narcissistic. I also like the picture aspect of social networking sites. Let's use Facebook, since it seems to be most popular these days: if you look at the pictures someone posts of themselves, you might think "Oh hai! When did he/she get so attractive? I always remember him/her having bad skin and stupid hair." THEN, you look at those "tagged" pictures and the truth comes out. You would think that knowing this process of finding out your true ugliness could be avoided by not letting people tag you, but people are just too stupid. Mainly that's my whole point. I'm really included in this. I am an idiot on the internet and you are too. Thnx 4 da gud tymez, internetz.

Dating Websites

While I'm on the subject of the internet, I'll just go ahead and knock this out, too. You might remember my rant about Match.com and might think that would have ended my quest to find cyber love, but you would be incorrect. Since then I've tried a few more and it's obviously ended up turning out really well. I CONSTANTLY have super guidos, fat dudes, wiggers, and just the best types of men saying things like "U R s0 FINEE" or "whats up iam corey i was looking around on here and seen u and would love to get to know u somemore u sound cool and u r super sexy hit me up sometime." Who doesn't love a man that doesn't know what punctuation is? I did have one odd bit of luck from the internet, but he didn't like me. Dang it. Whatevs. I've got plenty of bangin' dudes just loading up my inbox! Stick n' move, ya dig?!

My only hatez for the day is

MTV

I guess I just hate MTV for a few reasons:
1. I'm jealous of everyone on this channel. Either because they are so idiotic they can't possibly process the things that I think about that bum me out and make me feel inadequate, or because they are ridiculously attractive and rich.
2. They don't show anything good anymore. No more Beavis and Butthead, no more Daria, NO MORE TRL?! Also, the only time they actually show music is in clips between their shitty dating shows, and it's basically what people nowadays believe to be good hip-hop (See:Lil' Mama). So wrong.
3. On a more serious note, they have such a platform to reach young people and get them to treat each other better and do good things, but instead they pump them full of The Hills and Made. I mean, good God, have you ever seen my Super Sweet 16? Do they understand that this just makes other stupid teenagers feel like this is what they have to do to be liked? Disssssssgusting. I get that they're just money hungry old guys, but I'm pretty sure that if they gave me a job I could still make them a shit load of money and not have young people with the mental capacity of a block of cheese. Just sayin'.
I could probably find about a billion other reasons to hate MTV, but it's all centered around the same shit. (Oh, canceling Singled Out? BIG MISTAKE, btw.) I guess they're just really lucky they made Jersey Shore, otherwise, I'd be cracking skulls.

020910

2010-02-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

HATEZ:

"Queen Sized"

“If you knew that people would like you better if you lost weight, aren’t you just punishing yourself?”

Yes. You are. Everyone hates fat people, obviously. So it was a wise decision to make a movie about a girl who is fat and tries to show her mom (who nags her about being fat) and the "popular kids" (who make fun of her for being fat) that she's more than just a fat girl. How will she show them? Running for Homecoming Queen. What a fucking genius. My main problems with this movie, aside from the fact that it was made by Lifetime, are as follows:
1. The way they just call this girl fat all the time. Not even the people they are making fun of her, but like, her mom and school counselors. They act like it's cancer or something and they're totally rude about it.
2. How unrealistic it is. Aside from the completely obvious, they make it seem like she's the only and fattest person ever. And all of her stupid friends rally behind her cause even though they're not fat. But in doing so, they're basically calling her fat (see point #1). I don't know about you, but if I went to my best friend and I was all, "Mannn, I'm never going to be Homecoming Queen and date the quarterback because I'm such a disgusting fatbody!", she would be like, "No you're not, but, uh, why don't we start running." No way in hell would her response be to get people to vote for me for being fat. That's like, the cruelest joke ever.
3. I hate the way she makes being fat seem like it's the new goth kid. It's not some choice. There is no music to go along with fatness (well, Clay Aiken?). You don't have a designated lunch table. You're really just some nerd who happens to wear larger clothes. That's why you get made fun of. Fat is just your best quality, most likely. How about people wouldn't pick on you if you weren't such an idiot? Or maybe if you quit whining about how fat you are all the time and maybe told a joke you could get some friends? Sure, Funny Fat Friend isn't Prom Queen, but it's better than Annoying Whiney Self-Righteous Fat Girl. BTW, I'm sure those "normal" unpopular kids you said you represented think you're fat and dumb too. Shut it, Nikki Blonski.

Don't watch it.

Megan Fox

Right. I get it. She's really pretty. Sort of. She's also kind of mannish. Oh, wait. She's an actress? She's done great films like Jennifer's Body, Tranformers,and, hold the phone! Transformers 2?! Do I really have to keep going? Is it really not obvious that people put up with her shrill voice and moronic facial expressions simply so they can maybe get a glimpse of her hot bod? Not convinced? Check this shit out:

"I always went with the banana because it was skinnier".
Wait, wait, wait. She looks like Angelina Jolie and has a sweeeeeeet Marilyn Monroe portrait? I take it all back. She rulz.

Not.

I don't love anything today. Actually, I do, but that picture of Megan Fox has really just got me feeling a bit grossed out and I think I need to give myself some time.

11910

2010-01-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

The start of the new year has gotten me in pretty high spirits. So high, I am loving these things:

Rom Coms

I love rom-coms (Romantic Comedies, for all you non-abbreviating nerds) because they have happy endings. And they're mind numbing and predictable. I guess the only reason anyone likes movies, essentially, is to escape from reality for just a little bit, so why not escape to a place where dudes do cute things and ugly girls get married? I'll suggest a few good ones for those of you who hate yourselves and watch horror movies and shit: The Holiday(+Jude Law is a babe, -Jack Black is in it), Ever After(+Princes and Drew Berrymore, -if you've seen Cinderella, you already know what's happening) and Definitely, Maybe (+Ryan Reynolds is a dad to a little girl. Dad's are adorable, -Ryan Reynolds).

The First Three or so Episodes of American Idol

These are the audition episodes. They are hilarious. I only like the people that do really ridiculous shit and get called out by it because the socially awkward people who really suck and think they can sing make me uncomfortable. I also like how sometimes they give a little back story on contestants who have had "trying times" and they always make me weep a little. And I love a good TV induced cry, BTW. I will say that Mary J. Blige really ruined one of these episodes for me, though. She was a guest judge and was being a straight up ghetto bitch to these people who had the balls to sing in front of other people. She was laughing in their faces and just all around being pretty rude. No good. See if I download or if I buy "No More Drama" off iTunes now, Mary. See what happens.

Jersey Shore

Oh. Lord. Jersey Shore was the greatest thing to happen to my life since learning how to read or something. I don't actually think the people on there are that shitty, to be honest. Aside from having ridiculous taste in people, clothing and hair, they're honestly not terrible human beings. I mean, I've definitely seen bigger assholes on Real World, ya dig? I don't know man. I just really, really love pretty much everything about it. And I don't think I'm the only one. Really though, can you honestly say you hate
THE FIST PUMP/BEATING THE BEAT

DI'INT THINK SO.

1229

2009-12-29T19:22:00.000-08:00

I fucking hatez

Buffets

Maybe I don't actually hate everything about buffets. I like having different varieties of food. And I don't hate all buffets (Have you ever been on a cruise and been to one of those midnight chocolate buffets? Shit Sonnn!), I basically just hate the disgusting ones that normal people are allowed at. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself that I feel the need to go to a restaurant where I am going to eat more than one plate, I see some big fat lady in front of me in line for the macaroni and cheese and can't help but think it will one day be me. That sucks. Just in general all the people at buffets are hugely fat. Being fat is whatever. This was me in third grade:

The difference is that I knew I was fat and if I ever went to a buffet, I'd only eat salad and then take fried food home so people thought I had a thyroid problem or something. It seems like fat people at buffets are shameless. I also hate that people let their fucking kids run around and be loud. Put them on a leash or something. I don't want their booger-picking fingers touching my french fries, for Christ's sake. My last logical point is that when food is being made in mass quantities, it just can't be well made. And most buffets are like $15, so I'm not going to let Golden Corral fuck me out of my money for dog food. I ain't no sucka!

I also hatez
"The Mac Community"

I don't own a Mac. I want to own a Mac. Just because they have built in cameras, really. Anyway, Apple has just started some sort of hipster cult with this bullshit.
Their advertising department really deserves some credit with they way they made Mac users seem so cool and attractive and hip like Justin Long and the rest of the world fat, middle-aged balding men. Genius. How wonderful is it that you can go to forums and talk to other people about what kind of computer you have. I always wondered if I was missing something about Macs that got them all this hoopla, but I am just not getting it. Do they even have solitare? Can someone please tell me? I've really been slacking lately on being hip and trendy, some would even say I'm not cool, but I really think investing in a Mac would help. Also, where exactly IS the Mac Community? (Dad joke? Check.) I don't really care about the actual computer battle of Mac VS PC, as long as I can read shitty blogs and look at pictures of myself I'm cool, but seriously, Mac Community? Come on.

Today I lovez:
The iPhone

What? It's a sweet phone. The Super Phone, if you will. I don't feel like it makes me part of any club except the "I Have Fingers Too Fat for My Phone" club, and that's not a glamorous one.

2009-12-28T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hatez:
Dudes

What female doesn't hate dudes a majority of their life? I certainly don't mean that I like women in any sort of romantic way (and BELIEVE me, sometimes I wish I did since men are such shitty creatures, but vaginas just aren't attractive to me and women are a whole different ball game of crazy, so I shall continue my quest for a decent male, despite my feelings about to be explained). I hate them for a few simple reasons.
1. They are not ever what you think. Part of this is our fault. We have some idea of what we want in a male and twist small actions and words to have different meanings, and we project our ideal male on to anyone we want, hoping it'll actually come true. Wrong. Side note: I hate being wrong thus giving me yet another strike against dick-having humans. Men are good at fooling you. In the beginning you think what they do is out of nervousness, them trying to impress you, etc., because you cannot fathom someone being that stupid or so shitty. Wrong again. Even when you've been with someone a long time, they get comfortable and everything you thought you figured out goes right out the window. It's bullshit.
2.They think they're good at sex. Now, this is a topic I've thought about for a long time and my conclusion (and there are scientific studies that prove this point. Google it, mother fucker) is that when a woman is more emotionally attached to a man, intimacy is better. Since all men are idiots, I have never been emotionally attached. It's like math. But this is sort of my fault. What I hate is when they keep doing something and just because you don't want to hurt their fragile, little male egos, you pretend to like it. PRETEND. I would say the most joy most women get out of sex is laughing about it later. IDIOTS.
3. Men are stupid. Sure they're not as confusing as women, but they are just generally less intelligent. From the things they like to their transparent emotions to their primate-like thought processes. They're just dumb.
Some day soon I'll play the other side of the coin and talk about how stupid and crazy women are, but today men can suck it.

The Lottery

I hate the lottery. It just teases me and gets me to think about all the wonderful things I would do. Like buy ten Saint Bernards and a VW thing and go to the beach all the time. I have literally sat down and tallied up the number frequency for the last six months hoping to get some sort of prize, but then I realized I am just stupid and that is completely pointless. I also hate the lottery because when I don't win, I get really mad and mean for a few days because for some reason I feel that my two dollars entitles me to win more than the other few million people playing. Have you noticed that I am a bit indignant and self righteous? Well, that's a stupid observation and you're wrong. LOLZ!

Lovez

The Office

I love The Office almost as much as I love my mother. I really love Dwight Schrute. For a long while, I almost cared more about Jim and Pam's relationship than any one I had going on in my life. It makes me laugh, I love to laugh. They did a great job casting, a great job writing, and bears, beats, Battle Star Galactica.

Siblings

I really love the dynamics of siblings relationships. You love them like you love your parents, but you can treat them like friends and not feel bad about it. They are also the few people in your life that it is acceptable to get physically violent with. I guess it's also kind of cool when the older ones look out for you and the younger ones look up to you, but that's just pansy shit.

2009-12-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

Working in the "Food Industry"

This is the worst type of job someone can have. No matter the position. Let me tell you why. Customers(you) are demanding, lazy, particular assholes. You don't send food back if it's raw, you send food back if there's too much cheese, or too little cheese. You send food back if it "doesn't look like the picture" and you ask for way too many sides of honey mustard. This turns your server into a raging bitch. Not only does she have to deal with your annoying ass, she has like four other tables pulling the same bullshit. She thinks it's a good idea to yell and take it out on the line cooks. WRONG. Line cooks are the OZ to the Emerald City that you're eating at. You don't see them, but they are all powerful. Do not fuck with them. But your server still will. Little does she realize that although she has to serve a whopping five tables, line cooks have to make food for the entire restaurant at once, so they could give two shits if some bitch customer likes their Caesar salad. This is the type of thing that leads to your food being dropped on the floor, microwaved, rinsed with water, etc. Line cooks know that without them, no one would be making money. So then being a line cook can't be that bad, you say? WRONG. Line cooks hate each other. They are always trying to pawn their duties off on other cooks (really, how hard is it to deep fry some chicken fingers?) or they do their job half assed and the other have to pick up their slack. Also, the pay is shitty. Fuck. That.

Man-Boys

Have you ever met a dude that is just mind-blowingly stupid? Not necessarily lacking intelligence, but lacking common sense and the ability to mature. These are man-boys. They lack the responsibility and integrity to get their shit together and take care of anything, yet they have the ability to drink, have pubic hairs, and some even look like real, grown men. Do not be fooled. They will run away from their problems. They will continue living their lives as if they are 21 forever. They will read this and think it's funny that someone is annoyed with the way they are, not realizing the joke is really on them. They are sad. They will never be happy. They will probably end up with herpes and a shitty job. They think that not having any attachments, sentiments, or genuine relationships is funny and just a sad fact of life. This is untrue. Note to these wastes: it is okay to be vulnerable, you're probably really fucked up because you had shitty parents or something, and fucking girls and getting drunk is not going to solve your problems. Take a shower. Get a job. You would be surprised little things like stability will bring in to your life. Have fun being poor and an idiot. Oh, and sweet Vans, faggot.

I don't love anything today. I'm just really fucking pissed off for some reason today. Sorry for being unfunny.

2009-08-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

I hatez:
Group Mirror Pictures

Is it not bad enough that you're taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, much less with another person? This is one of those things that you would both be like "Man, that's so gay. We don't do that" but then do it and let it slide. And when you're making your stupid faces that you think make you look cute, your friend should really be telling you that you look dumb, but instead she's focusing on making her own stupid faces to put up on MySpace to fish for compliments with. I don't really know how to describe it, but you both know it's not something you should be doing, yet you let the other persons doing it give you permission. Note:they are doing the same thing. MySpace is what ruined the world, man.

Going Green

I don't necessarily hate the idea of doing your part to help save the environment, although I will keep driving SUV's and throwing away my trash like normal. Let's just get into it: I don't care if you drive a hybrid to Forever 21 to pick out clothes that we made by under payed kids in a different country. I also don't think that you using a canvas bag that has the recycle symbol on it really does anything to save the environment, but hey, I could be wrong. I just think it's bullshit that people use it as an excuse to be hip. Riding bikes is cool, so you're going to ride a bike and blame it on being "green". Shut the fuck up. You want a cause? Go to your downtown and help out some poor people, go donate blood, go volunteer to hang out with sick kids. People are disgusting these days. Am I the only one that sees it? Ahhhh, fuck it. Whatever.

Velour Jumpsuits

These things are disgusting. And have you ever noticed that it's never svelte, cute girls that wear them, it's bitches that probably wear them because they can't find normal pants that fit, and they think it's cute to show their cellulite and look like Anna Nicole Smith. Gross. Gross. Gross. Also, if you're so dumb that you would pay upwards of $150 for some goddamn sweatpants, then you deserve to be raped by Juicy Couture and look like a moron.

My only lovez for the day is

Jordin Sparks

I love her mainly because she's gigantic. She's like six feet tall and just huge, yet still adorably lovely. And look at that smile! I'd pay serious money for that yapper. She also has this single called "Battlefield" out right now, and I've been in one of those moods where I'm only listening to the radio, I can't get it out of my head. I absolutely love it. I totally just lost my train of thought because I was looking at a picture of her, and Christ she's gorgeous. I don't remember any thing else I was going to write because I was just hypnotized by her teeth. Sorry.

2009-08-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

I hatez
Disney "Stars"

It's just such bullshit. They're cute little girls and all, but they suck at everything they do. They're not good actresses, and NONE of them can sing. But mainly, I hate them because I'm jealous. When I was fifteen, I just wanted to wear really expensive clothes and not go to school. And I wanted to be loaded for the rest of my life. Then, when I hit seventeen, I wanted to get fucked up all the time and dress like a whore. Man, these kids are livin' the life. Is there a God? Why does he hate me? I'll wear glitter and hair extensions. Disney doesn't like people past 17, you say? Fuck you, Disney. Fuck you really hard.

Sour Candy

Fuck. This. You'll probably disagree with me because sour candy probably reminds you of when you were young and stupid and liked the pain this shit causes, but I wasn't a moron like you. I do not like that it squeezes my jaws and hurts, I don't like that it gives you those little bumps in your mouth, and I don't like that it makes my teeth all squeaky and gross. 'Nuff said.

Lastly,
SONIC

can eat a dick.

I LOVEZ:

John motherfucking Mayer

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now, don't take that as I find him attractive. I don't. I actually think he looks sort of trollish or something. But, I would still have his children. He is sexy. And I don't really say that because it sounds pretty gay, but it's true in his case. Also, he's smart, funny, and he's like, insightful and caring and deep. Or at least that's how I paint him in my mind? I have yet to experience John Mayer live, because one of two things would happen: I would either literally secrete my pants off and/or get arrested for sexual molestation. Not many people have this effect on me, so I'll admit the shit when it happens.

Kittens

What is there to say really? I luz them. They cute. And because of lolCats, when I see them I only want to speak in internet lingo, and that's just funny.

2009-08-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hm. Today I hatez:

White Trash Thug Kids

Man, I hate these kinds of kids. When I was in middle school, I rode the bus with a bunch of them for some God awful reason. We called them "River Rats" because they were all dirty and lived by a river (living on the water typically is a sign of wealth, unless the only time you live on the water is when your trailer park floods, which was the case). Anyway, they all used to talk about giving blow jobs and shit, and I'm like, "Geez, we're in 7th grade." Needless to say, if I give you the rider list for bus 2467, you'll find that all of them have been arrested several times and/or have at least 3 kids. This is my biggest problem: they keep procreating and starting this cycle of shit. It pisses me off. I don't want my kids near these kinds of people. I have a plan to eliminate them. Throw all Roca-Wear, Fubu, and wife beaters off a bridge, and watch them all follow.

I also hatez
Glam Rock Idiots

I mostly encounter these kids in Atlanta for some reason. Why do they think it's cool to look like the New York Dolls? Why do they think it's cool to wear leather and leopard print whilst having dicks? Someone please clue me in.

Hot Dudes With Weird Flaws

This is such a bummer. Maybe I'm too anal or have high standards, but fuck. I just can't think a dude is hot when there's something really distracting like a huge mole or long nose hairs. I'm not even talking about rotting teeth or missing limbs (which I have dated...). That shit, you know what you're getting into. The worst is when you're like, "Damnnnnnn. Sons FOINE. Bagged a babe. Why is he single? Let me make out with him." And then you rub your finger over a big mole or see a weird birthmark or ugh, I don't want to keep going. I'll vomit.

I lovez
Reynold

He died. I miss him. Goddamn, he was beautiful.

My Best Friends

Mainly, I just love them because they're both really, really attractive and I pretty much only like to associate with attractive people. I also love them because they're fun. Like, idiotically silly. And they're really good looking. Let me know if you want the digits. And I'll probably tell you no because you're probably ugly.

Lititz, Pennsylvania

Lastly, I love Lititz, Pennsylvania. It is the most perfect place on Earth. Let me count the ways:
1. Best. Grass. Ever. Seriously, napping like there's no tomorrow.
2. Great weather. Adds to the glorious napping.
3. The whole town smells like chocolate. No shit. There's this old chocolate factory located right in the center of the town, which is like 4 square miles, so the whole thing just smells wonderful all the time.
4. Fireflies.
5. It has the most wonderful Fourth of July celebration ever to exist (and it's also the longest, consistant one in the history of the United States!). It's ridiculously cute and perfect. People dancing, kids with Sparklers. Parades, hot dogs, Miss Lititz Pageant. Imagine the American Dream of Fourth of July's and this kicks it's ass times about 5,000.
That's all I've got really. It's not something you can describe. You just have to go. Oh, but if you do, don't mind all the horse shit and corn, blame the Amish.

Long time no see.

2009-07-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

So, I've not written in a while, mainly because I'm tired of trying to get people to read it, and I do not bare fruits that will go uneaten.

BUT. Today, as I was taking a lovely leisurely mid afternoon bath, I had a sudden hatez. And here it is:

Feminists

Whilst in the bath tub, I glanced over at my Herbal Essences bottle and noticed a fun little trivia fact they put on the bottle. It read: "What do %80 of women do on Valentine's day? Answer: Send themselves flowers" And this conversation played in my head:

Unthinking Jen: Man, why are women so pathetic? Who would send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day?

Thinking Jen: Maybe some lonely, early thirties lady who wants people at her office to think she has a significant other, and uses a made up holiday to validate herself via leading people to believe she's in a relationship.

Unthinking Jen: But why does a woman need a man to validate her existence? That's a bunch of bullshit. Women need to stand up and be comfortable with who they are! We don't need no stinking men!

Thinking Jen: Oh. Fuck. I sound like a feminist.

I just think feminists are annoying. Do you deny the fact that women are obviously less strong than men so there are certain tasks they cannot do? Do you not think that women are better suited to take care of children considering the fact that they are the ones with a natural capability to feed them? Do you not think your time could be better spent fixing your hair or buying a nice, cute dress so you could maybe get a boyfriend? Sure, you don't want to be treated like shit just because you have a vagina, but why not spend your time preaching respect for all other human beings, as it would include you? And let's be honest, people that are as self-righteous as feminists never accomplish anything anyway, so someone tell them to shave their legs already.

My next hatez is

Dirty, Scummy Dudes

Okay, I get it. Life's a garden, dig it! One life to live! Whatever. I actually condone everyone going through that "Fuck everything I'll do what I want and look disgusting phase"...to a point. When you're like, 35, give it up. When it's been over a week since you've washed your hair/taken a shower/shaved, give it up. When, once again, you wouldn't go out to dinner with your parents, GIVE IT UP. To these man-boys, have you ever noticed the quality of female looking like this attracts? News flash, it's not that all women suck or are idiots (although a lot of them are terrible), it could potentially be the fact that you look totally and completely disgusting and your life is a mess. Really unattractive. And even the most "down" girl ever can think you're cool to talk to, but I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't give you the time of day in the way of the sack. Just quit being gross. Really. Please. You look stupid.

My only lovez for the day is

My Mom

Obviously, I like her because she gave birth to me, and call me crazy, but I think that's a pretty nice gift. Also, she's really, really fucking cool. Cooler than your mom, I guarantee it. I have more fun hanging out with he than any of my friends. You could potentially think I have shitty friends or that this fact is sad, but, whatever, fuck you. She's just a cool lady, a cool person and, most important of all:

A TOTAL BABE!

2009-04-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today I feel full of love.

Tiny things.

I don't actually like small things. In fact, I hate them. Kids, small fries, short people, they're just not enough. But I do, however, go pretty much apeshit over mini versions of normal sized things. I know I am not alone in this. Everyone loves to gawk at the travel size toiletries at Wal Mart. And those new small cans of soda? Completely useless, yet completely adorable. I would even go as far as to say that I only like living creatures when they're small. Babies are cute. I want millions, but only if I can give them away when they hit about four before they turn into bastards like the rest of humanity. Kittens? Oh god! Yay! Cats? Eh. I can't stress it enough though: there is a difference between small and mini, and small should just stay the hell away from me.

String Cheese

I fucking love string cheese. Only Sargento Low Fat though. I don't like cheese at all really, except on nachos and pizza, but this shit is like heroine. I literally have to stop myself from just shoving them all in my mouth at once. Not to avoid looking like an insane heffer, basically because they're too expensive to eat at the rate I would like to.

Booze

I should only be allowed to talk to other people when I'm drinking. When I am sober, I am not as funny, they are not as attractive, and I am (brace yourself) sort of bitchy. When I'm drinking, everyone is my best friend and they are good looking. It pretty much lets me live in my ideal world, lie or not. I also love it because it is really the only thing to do. I am too lazy to go be outdoorsy, and I hate moving quite a bit, but with booze, I am united with my peers and have a wonderful time without sweating or without wearing spandex (most of the time). I don't condone drinking and driving nor do I suggest being a drunken whore, but if you can maintain yourself as well as I can*, then by all means, let's get shit faced.

*This is a relative statement. Some would say I cannot handle alcohol. I would say they are stupid.

I need your help. I feel like my normal amount of hate is dwindling with every second. Remind me of stupid people or things. Don't let me lose who I am.

2009-03-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

I thought about turning this blog into a one where I just post pictures of Robert Pattinson and plan our life together (wedding decor, photoshopping our faces onto babies, etc.) but I think I'd rather save those thoughts and ideas for when we really do get married. Instead, I'll post some lovez and hatez as usual. Today I lovez:

Getting hit on

There is no sarcasm involved in this. I genuinely love getting hit on. I like the whole part where someone is telling you they find you attractive, that's always nice and everyone enjoys that. Why I really love getting hit on though, is a bit backwards, some would say, but it's because I love the shit you hear from people. Sincerely. Here's a little story. This weekend I went to a bar/club/retard meet-up, and got pretty drunk. In the middle of my good time, some dudes came up and somehow we started talking(probably because I think I am even more awesome when I'm drunk and talk to whoever I want and think they should feel priveleged to talk to me). One thing led to another and one of my friends ended up telling the dudes that it cost $20 to have sex with me. This led the dude to ask me for a hug. What the fuck? What an idiot. Anyway, I told him it was $40 for a hug and the dude said he had no money and proceeded to pull his shirt up and show me his "sweet abs". This is not a lie. And he was serious. I then laughed and told him it was the absolute gayest thing I'd ever seen, but that's a lie. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. It sort of goes into this societal projection of dating and men and women and all that, but this mother fucker really thought I would give him a hug for showing me his stomach. It was absolutely hilarious and ridiculous and fantastic. I'm not trying to sound like a bad-ass or a bitch, nor am I one of those clueless morons who thinks the dude was probably kidding and "had me", I'm merely trying to say, in summation, that I love getting hit on because dudes turn into pathetic, approval seeking monsters when they are on the prowel and it is really funny. (Note:that was kind of bitchy. Whatever. Also, if you're trying to hit on a girl, don't do any of the above mentioned. Do,however, talk to a girl as usual and you probably won't end up with someone vapid or slutty. You're welcome for the advice)

Next I lovez:

Pontoon Boats

I love pontoon boats because they just scream party time. Seriously. When you look at them can't you just imagine it full of bathing suit clad beautiful people chugging beers and listening to radio rap? Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I secretly wish I was a "bro-ho" but was never skinny(or stupid) enough? FTW. I'm dieting and saving money for one of these bitches.

My last lovez is:
Creating really awesome MSPaint art

So, people really like to put albums up on their MySpaces showing of their awesome drawings of falcons or tribal tattoos, or put up paintings they did of them and their friends that look like they were made by five year olds, and to me, this is crap. What I do is real art. One day I'll have a MySpace album dedicated to my craft, but I need some new pictures. Leave comments of your pictures and maybe I'll put you in some. Also, that picture above is not my art, that's my friend Chelsea, she's just my inspiration.

I couldn't really think of any hatez today, so I'll just do some easy ones:

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

This shit is disgusting. It tastes like someone poured a shitload of salt into uncooked noodles and then put chewed up chicken in it. I didn't like it as a kid and I don't like it now, and if my kids like it, they'll be shit out of luck.

Teenaged Girls in Mass

I hatez them because when I try to watch Robert Pattinson interviews on YouTube, they just scream the whole time and I can't hear anything. They also will probably ruin my chances of sparking our love affair because he might confuse me for one of them even though I am totally sane and not pathetic... Anyway, they tend to turn into this big blob of loud and stupid. Come on ladies, have some dignity. How could you go that crazy and get that obsessed over someone you don't even know. Sad, sad, sad. (Robert Pattinson and I actually have a connection...so whatever)

Lastly, I fucking hatez
Acai Berry Edge

I have never actually taken this product, nor do I want to, I hate it because it is the product the company that I work for "sells". I use the term loosely because they don't sell it, they capitalize on fat internet nerds by way of pop-ups, telling them it will make them lose weight. It doesn't make you lose weight, it makes you shit. And the free* trial you signed up for? It's not free. It's $79.90. And no, I can't give it back to you. Maybe you should have stopped being so stupid and read the terms and conditions before you put in your credit card information. Don't tell me you feel bad for me or that I should evaluate my life if I'm working for "a company full of scam artists" because I am not dumb enough to get caught up in something like this. You, sirs and ma'ams, should pull the food out from in front of your face and read, and maybe take some of the fat out of your fucking head and realize I just answer the phone and can't solve your problems. I mean really, if you've made it long enough in life to get a credit card and you're still this idiotic, there is no saving you.

2009-03-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

So I'm poor, and all of my friends went out to have beers last night and since I had no money, I sat home.Since I had some free time and I am a big fan of watching movies on the internet, I did so and it brought me my first lovez for the day:

Twilight

I get that this movie is for fourteen year old girls, but this doesn't stop me from loving it. I happen to love movies made for the teenage demographic. They make me feel at ease and like the world doesn't suck. Anyway, in retrospect there wasn't really anything phenomenal about it, but it was somehow captivating. That Kristen Stewart girl is oddly annoying. She is sort of like Neve Campbell in the sense that you can never tell if she's crying or just, I don't know, being herself? I remember her in Lifetime movies way back(secret lovez of mine), and for some reason I feel like I've met her before.Weird. Okay, I'm not going to dance around the subject anymore: everyone knows that they like this movie because of Robert Pattinson AKA Edward Cullen. He has this intensity in the movie towards Kristen Stewart's character that will make any girl swoon. No joke. It's sort of crazy how much I wanted to be bitten by a vampire while watching this movie. He probably is a douche bag in real life, but he's still gorgeous and rich and British. I'm going to go buy the second book now. Except I will be Bella in my mind.
Also, here's this just for women's sake:

Ohhh dip. Boy is FINEEE.

My next lovez for the day is

Smoking

I lovez smoking. I hate people that whine about it. I also wonder what people that don't smoke do with themselves. I want to talk to someone? Let's have a cigarette. I'm drinking? Let's have a smoke. I'm driving in the car? Mmm, a cigarette sounds nice. And what do you do non-smokers? Do you simply talk to people and have nothing else to do while you talk? Do you only put alcohol in your body and deprive alcohol of it's most obvious partner nicotine? And do you just drive your car? Pfffft. That's pathetic. Bring on the cancer talk. Whatever. I mean, I don't want it or anything, but I enjoy smoking. I hate how it's made out to be this disgusting habit and I feel looked down upon sometimes for smoking. Go judge a pedophile, asshole.

My only hatez for the day is "bringin' it back".

I hatez when people say they're bringing stuff back. If you just DO it, it's not so bad. "Dude, you's DA BOMB! Haha, yeah, I said DA BOMB. I'm bringin' it back, man." Don't do this. If you coin a phrase, great for you. But most of these phrases were left because they're totally stupid. Here's a list of what you should not try to bring back:
1.Da bomb
2.Forshizzle
3.Crack-alackin
4.Built like a brick shit house
5.Grody
6.Hella
7.Blang blang
8. Raise the roof

Really, I could go on for days. And if you do happen to have a soft spot in your heart for a shitty saying like these, casually just slip them in to your conversation, don't make a note that you are saying stupid things (It makes you look stupid).

(This post is for Charlie.)

2009-03-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

So it's 12:30 in the afternoon and I've already been all over God's green earth (normally I don't wake up until now) and since I've been amongst the general population, I am, naturally, angry. Today I hatez:

Fashion

I hate fashion because, contrary to what Meryl Streep says in The Devil Wears Prada, it is pointless. Designers really put months and months of work into that crap just to have maybe ten minutes worth of show on a runway. Is it a sick burn when they go out into the real world and see people wearing UGG's and velour jumpsuits? Or jeans and Tshirts? Do they feel like their lives are a big waste and only rich people who are vapid and clueless and self-indulgent keep them afloat? Well, they should. I also think it is everything that is wrong with the world. I couldn't wear these clothes, I'm a size 12, and I hate clubs that exclude me, therefore, I hate fashion. Stop making me feel fat, fashion models. I hate how ridiculous everything looks, and don't pull that it's art bullshit. Pretty soon I'm going to start crapping in the street and saying, "Oh, but it's art, mannnn." It's silly dressing this way and a good rule of thumb is if you won't go to lunch with your parents in it, you probably shouldn't wear it. And I don't know about your parents, but if I showed up to Cracker Barrel in one of those stupid hats up there, my mom would tell me I look like a moron and that I couldn't sit with them. Once again, jeans and a Tshirt will always prevail.

Next, I hatez traffic.

God, do I loathe sitting in traffic. Not really because it's monotonous and boring and keeps me from getting where I want to be when I want to be there. No, I can deal with that. I hate it because I always get stuck next to either a) some creepy, leather-faced dude who insists on smiling and winking and waving at me every time we move five feet or b) some "gangsta" who thinks that making MY rearview mirrors rattle means his music is good. Here is what I have to say to them:
Dear sir with a leather face, what do you want me to do? Would you like for me to get out of my car have sex with you right here in the middle of the road? Do you want me to wink and wave back to boost your self-esteem? And really, do you even want a woman who you "got" by being suggestive during traffic? Actually, I take that last one back. You would probably settle for any woman under 350 with more than 50% of her teeth. Gross.
And dear sir with da bangin' system, I do not like your music. I appreciate you trying to share it with me, but I'm most likely trying to listen to Mariah Carey or something and don't need the help. Also, having your music on that loud and all those vibrations cannot be healthy. Don't you want to have baby-gangstas one day? Use your brain, dawg.

Hating you both for ruining my commute,
Jennifer Norris.
PS-
Homeboy, lean your seat up, you should be able to see over your hood and they really did design those seats to sit that way for a reason.

My last hatez, is, well, a bit personal. And I really try to leave out personal information about myself because this blog is just supposed to be funny and entertaining, but I really can't resist this one:

Chris Jordan

Yeah, he is hot isn't he? Brace yourself now, because I am going to launch into one of those girls rants. I hate Chris Jordan because he hurt my feelings and, for a long time, I hated him because he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. What a jerk! I am awesome, obviously. I also hate him because he does that thing (which I'm not sure if all dudes do this because I don't really date) where he does something crazy and then you react to it as any normal person would, and he flips it around and makes YOU feel like the crazy one. Yeah, Chris Jordan invented that. I also hate Chris Jordan because he makes me feel weird about him now. Like, why can't we still be somewhat friends? Why you gots ta be such a weiner? NBD, I guess. I don't really know where this thing came from, but, isn't every girl allowed to hate her ex-boyfriend? Alright, cool. If not, suck it.

My only lovez for the day is

Deviled Eggs
I'm sure at this point you've probably made your own judgments about me. But, I do like things other than TV, food, and hating celebrities. I like to drink, be funny, and probably other stuff. This lovez just so happens to fit into my regular taste, but why fix it if it ain't broken? Deviled eggs are a staple on any holiday at my house. I also must tell you that I only like my mom's, so if you're thinking about making me some, don't. I most likely won't like them. Also, if you're one of those that puts paprika or cayenne pepper on top of your deviled eggs, do the word a favor and never cook again.

2009-03-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Ugh today I'm pretty bleh. So you get what you get.

I lovez:

Whose Line Is It Anyway

I like this show a lot. It's silly and boy that Wayne Brady can carry a tune. I think Colin is my favorite, and I secretly always have loved Drew Carey(Remember Mimi from the Drew Carey Show? I wanted to be her...for some reason.) I'm pretty sure it only comes on ABC Family at like, midnight, so if you can pry yourself away from Adult Swim, check it out for a good giggle.

This guy

I don't really know why I love it. I actually think these commercials are really fucking stupid. Like, why are there all these people talking about a pile of money and not taking it? It doesn't have arms or legs, so it is rendered defenseless, so stop giving it weird looks and shove it in your pocket, idiot. Back to "this guy", I think it somehow seems quite loveable. Perhaps it is because I'm poor and it's a pile of money, or perhaps it has something to do with everyones love for those googley craft eyes. I don't really know. I do know that if you happen to have this guy following you and it haunts you like the other idiots in the commercials, give me a call and I'll take care of it for you.

I fucking hatez periods.

I don't hate the actual period, it sort of just does it's thing and I can't really control it. What I hate is that for a good week out of every month of my fucking life, I feel totally insane and angry and sad and just like a real bitch. And to make it worse, you don't notice that you're feeling this way, you just think you're going crazy and that it will never stop. How un-fucking-fair that I was born a female and have to deal with this bullshit. Oh, I have the gift of carrying children you say? Big whoop. Dudes don't have to deal with anything, nor do they have to wear make-up. I'd take the pain of getting hit in the balls every once in a while to not have to deal with cramps, being crazy and shoving a 10 pound person through my vagina. God, dudes suck so bad. (I am PMS-ing.)

2009-03-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

So, last night I took a night off from my wild party animal ways and stayed in. While flipping through what could possibly be the worst selection of things to watch that I have ever encountered, I came upon one of those "Locked Up" shows about prisons. It was about Iowa State Penitentiary. Thus coming up with today's first hatez:

Iowa

Iowa is one of those places where you're just like, "What the fuck? Why do you exist?". And that's one of the reasons I don't like it. Look at that map. Does any of that look familiar? No. Because everyone knows Iowa sucks and they'll never go there, so why waste time learning about it's stupid cities? And really, you have just as many resources as every other state but other states actually do something other than suck. Start a vegetable, get a good sports team, something. I think that if I won a free trip to Iowa, I wouldn't even go.
I didn't know too much about this huge shithole, so I took the liberty of Wikipedia-ing it, and still found no reasons to lessen the hate. Wikipedia did, however, give me more reasons to hate Iowa. For example, Iowa decided to start a war with me back in the late seventies by letting Ashton Kutcher (aka: incomparable douche bag) be birthed there. What Iowa should have done was create a sink hole and swallow Ashton's mom before she had a chance to pop out something that universe would regret creating. Way to go, Iowa. This big stupid state also was the meeting ground for Slipknot. Yeah, those funk metal idiots who wear masks and created a whole cult following of fat socially awkward teen aged boys.
Iowa, why aren't you our great nation's capital? Oh yeah, you suck. Why are we wasting money putting a fence in at the Mexican border instead of around you? They at least have good food.

My lovez for the day is

Chicken Wings

There isn't a whole lot to say about chicken wings except they are delicious and I would eat them every day if I could. My record is 17. I am awesome. Go buy me some.

Betcha didn't know...

2009-02-22T07:35:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday, God's day, so I'll be pleasant. I think I will do a few lovez.

(Barking Mad should let me win their Twilight pack!)

First, I lovez Werther's Original hard candy.

This shit is like crack. And they are creamy and delicious and cheap. I don't have much else to say except you probably forgot about them since you quit hanging out with your grandpa, but bring it back. You don't know what you're missing.

Next lovez.

Granny Pantiez

Okay, it does feel pretty awesome when you wear really hot bras and panties when you're getting ready to do it. You know you look good, it's exciting, whatever. But, it's also sort of uncomfortable, you're worrying about if you look fat, you have to shave your legs, etc. Not with granny underwear. I have previously been ashamed of my large collection, but no more! I have a feeling that if you go ask any woman what the most comfortable thing they can wear is, they won't say a thong or lace. They also may not say gigantic, cotton, saggy-assed mom underwear, but they should. Go put a pair on, don't wear a bra and lay in your bed. Also, take off your eye make up so you can actually rub them when they itch and then tell me it's not sort of like being in heaven.

Lovez dirt track racing

You probably have no idea what dirt track racing is, so let me break it down for you: people (more often than not, insane hicks) build stock cars (stock cars are not like cars you drive on the street). They take said cars and go to what could be considered white trash Eden, a dirt track. During these races, all sorts of glorious things take place such as crashes, flips, fires, injuries, fights, extreme intoxication, yelling, being hit in the face with dirt and a little bit of racing. These activities may not interest you because you a)are not a boy or b) are not as awesome as I am, but let me tell you some things that may interest you. The food. They have pretty much carnival food and it is pretty much the greatest thing in the world (I'd like to take a moment and give a shout out to corn dogs. Love you, boo) funnel cakes, boiled peanuts, the whole shebang. Cheap beer. Girl fights. It is hilarious. And last but not least, the patrons of this beautiful sport are really something you won't see anywhere else. To put things in perspective, dirt track racing is a bit of a step down from NASCAR, so use your imagination. Or don't and look at these pictures:

Imagine these beauties participating in the intricate art of flirting, while covered in dirt after a few too many Miller Lites. And then a car crash followed by a 20 person brawl. Yes, you can come with me next time I go.

2009-02-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

I hatez:

Katy Perry

Good. Lord. Where do I start? She is becoming my new Madonna. I just hate everything about her. Perhaps a good jumping off point would be to quote Ms. Perry herself, "You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal. You're so skinny you should really super size the deal...You're so gay and you don't even like boys". Now all of her awards make sense! With cunning, intelligent writing capabilities like that, maybe she's in the wrong form of entertainment. Maybe she should start writing books. You know what else she should do? Stop dressing like a fucking moron. I mean really, everyone gets it Katy. You don't care! You're just here to make "Rock n' Roll"! You're hip and silly and edgy and original. Hoorah. Do you also know you're annoying, look stupid, not good at making music and quite possibly everything that's wrong with the world? On top of just dressing stupid, everything Katy Perry does is stupid. From performing on gigantic tubes of Chapstick to having cake fights on stage and then busting ass. It is all annoying and I wish she would stop. Stop ruining music. Stop thinking she's cool. Stop thinking she looks like Zooey Deschanel (Zooey is way hotter and better in every way). I'm almost inclined to say stop living, but I'm not really in a bad mood today. Also, while we're making changes here, Katy, maybe try wearing a pair of pants every once in a while? Have you ever worn jeans and a Tshirt? It really is glorious, all of us normal "not ttly aw3$some bitchez" do it, so it won't hurt you. Just, you know, think about it. My final complaint about Katy Perry isn't so much directly related to her as it is her actions:

KATY, PLEASE STOP HANGING OUT WITH PEREZ HILTON AND LADY GAGA.
I couldn't find any evidence of the three of you hanging out together but that explains the world still existing, as I imagine this much stupidity and (let's face it) pure sugar-coated evil would bring on the Apocalypse. I will point my finger at you for the current global economic crisis due to, probably, just these single instances pictured above. So, my girl kissing, flamboyantly dressed enemy, I'm begging you to stop(existing for eternity).

Today something happened that has never happened to me before: I don't know if I lovez or hatez Lily Allen.

While on one hand, Lily Allen seems to be pretty funny and doesn't take herself seriously, because well, she doesn't make that great of music and she's sort of tool-ish, so I appreciate her being honest with herself. She, too, dislikes Katy Perry and likes to get her drank on, which I also appreciate. On the other hand, she thinks she is fantastic and is sort of a bitch. I really like that she doesn't like Perez Hilton, but on the flip side, I think a majority of what he says about her is funny and true and really seems to get her panties in a wad, thus canceling my prior judgments of her not taking herself to seriously. Ugh! I also hate that she always goes to the beach topless. I understand that you're from Europe and that's cool there, but people take pictures of you and criticize you and then you whine about them calling you fat. Don't be such a moron. Also, I don't think you have nice enough boobs to go flopping them around everywhere, just sayin'. Long story short, I live in a world of black and white and Lily Allen is gray matter, so please help me decide so I don't lose any sleep over this (but I really won't because I'm not that sad...and I have booze).

My lovez for the day is
Chick Fil A

I lovezzzzzzz Chick Fil A. It is the greatest food ever made and nothing will ever top it. I know they don't have them everywhere, so if you live in one of these non-Chick Fil A areas, I am going to give you great advice and tell you to move. Aside from being the most tasteful sensation my tongue has ever had, I like Chick Fil A because it's one of those fast foods that don't make me feel all fat and gross after I eat it. Most likely because it's made from angel tears and magic chickens, probably. If you ever want to take me on a date, this is a safe bet and since I was about fifteen I decided Chick Fil A is going to cater my wedding. So this could be more of an obsession than a love, but WHATEVA! They have funny commercials and advertising which is also a good way to get on my good side (Geico Gecko, what's up!? Love you.) and I know you might think that I hate that they're closed on Sundays, but I don't even care. I think of it as them doing their part to not let me over indulge myself, because after all, where would I be if I ate Chick Fil A SEVEN days a week? Good looking out, Jesus.

Sometimes I get funny while I'm drunk.

2009-02-18T01:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Match.com,
Please stop "matching" me with the ugliest dudes on the face of the earth. Specifically noting "Rabidbassist". I have previously denied him on several occasions. I would surely pay for your services (which I'm sure you can see that I currently do not), but the only people you seem to be showing me are every day trolls. Why would I take interest in this type of person? Surely anyone that holds themselves in a generally high regard would find these "suitors" laughable. I guess I'll get to the point and either ask you to please make men in the Tampa Bay area more attractive (both physically and intellectually), which you and I both know isn't possible because I think I'm correct in assuming you aren't God? or please stop wasting my time and actually pay attention to the details that I so truthfully told you, and stop telling me my "matches" are ugly idiots.

Drunkenly and disappointedly yours,
Jennifer L. Norris

This will probably be either A) deleted when I sober up and realize it is unrelated to this blog or B) turn into a hatez directed at Match.com. Who knows?!

Edit: I decided to leave it primarily because I was what some may describe as "totally shitfaced" when I wrote it and I am impressed with how much it makes sense and has no errors in spelling or grammar. It is often difficult for me to speak clearly when drunk, let alone write an e-mail complaint.

I will make a note that Match.com, being the sons of bitches that they are, couldn't even take the time to have one of their minions write me a response. Ohh, no. They had to send me an automatic response letter detailing the search features of their site. They are either the funniest or most half-assed people on the planet. Either way, this will be war.

2009-02-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

Possibly because of PMS or just because I am who I am, I find myself in an irate mood and I will take it out on:

Techno

God, I hate techno music and all that comes along with it. The music is just terrible. How hard is it to take a ten second clip of music and repeat it to the point of it becoming mind numbing? I do believe mind numbing and a solid thrusting beat are the only reasons this music was created, thus providing the patrons of this genre a reason to "totally wig out" and rub Vicks Vaporub on eachother. If you're not familiar with this "music", turn on your popular radio station on a Friday night and see what comes on. Yes, that annoying high-pitched repetitive bullshit IS considered music, but don't let it get you down if you're not hip to the jive. The people that consider it music typically like to do ecstasy, have facial piercings, and still wear Jnco jeans while sucking on pacifiers. I once dated a dude who did ecstasy on more than one occasion and he said it "was all the love he could ever want to feel". What a pussy. (He turned out to be psychotic.) Neon colors, same sex rubbing, sex in public, strobe lights, neon dreads, and platform shoes are all, as far as I am concerned, to be blamed on techno music. Those things alone are enough to make me want to break every set of turn tables in the world, even if it means I'll never be able to hear my favorite Salt n Peppa jams fuse into Sir Mix A Lot. It's a small price to pay, as far as I'm concerned.

I was going to write about how much I hatez Katy Perry next, but I fear my anger has taken it's toll and I don't have the energy to truly describe how much I loathe that bitch. Instead, I'll keep it short and do a lovez about:

Saint Bernards

I want 9,234,876 of these to let crawl all over my face. When they're puppies, of course. Have you ever seen Beethoven? These big, clumsy bastards are the cutest things in the world. I would almost be happier if a slimy little St. Bernard came out of me instead of a kid. Seriously, can't you just imagine laying in a big king size bed with one of these to cuddle up to? I could possibly turn into a crazy St. Bernard lady and never get married. One Saint Bernard wearing a mini beer keg? YES, PLZ!

2009-01-29T16:47:00.000-08:00

Today I hate a lot.
Lady Gaga

No, bitch, I don't like you. I don't like that Christina Aguilara got shit for trying to copy you because you suck and homegirl wouldn't make that mistake. I don't like that you're always half naked and I don't like that you think singing about being drunk and losing your keys and your man is cool, because frankly, I don't care about either. You and Katy Perry should really start a clothing line together. You could call it "Dressed Like An Idiot". Or make it something more poppy and fun and aimed towards your demographic. Either way, I have faith that both of you will keep poisoning the minds of people who are just generally probably trying to drive their cars but because popular radio eats dick, they are forced to hear your mind numbingly stupid music.

Perez Hilton

My reasons for hating Perez Hilton should be obvious: he is rich from doing nothing, whilst I am not. Oh, yes, it does go much deeper. I assume he thinks the shit he writes about anyone cares about (I know you care about what I have to say because I am wonderful and awesome, so this judgment doesn't apply to me). And I also assume he thinks naming celebrity couples things like "Brangelina" and drawing cum leaking out of people's faces is funny. It is not. Hoorah, you got rich because you know how to type and use paint. BFD, turd. Lastly I really have something against people who try to publicly make that transition from regular person who blogs to internet/real life celebrity. It is never done gracefully, and when you are featured on Cribs, you just look poor. Perez Hilton tries this. He talks about how he loves hunky celebrities, wants to lose weight blah blah blah then turns around and starts pushing his book down your throat and talks about how he wuz t0tally hangin wif Katy Perry n shiz. Suck. Oh, one more thing: he always posts shitty new music that will "get you bumpin'" and it sucks and that's how people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga have careers right now. DOUBLE SUCK.

My last hate for the day is:

Gilmore Girls

This show is an anomaly as far as I am concerned. How something so stupid could last for what, seven seasons? is beyond anything my mind can handle.

The odd relationship between mother and daughter is really scary. I imagine the only people that enjoy this are mothers that have daughters going through their teen angst/rebellious phase, and dream of having such a witty, trusting relationship with their daughters. Note to these women: this relationship is unhealthy. The daughter should not be the mother. Another disgusting thing about this show is the terrible banter. I have had thoughts of throwing my television to get that bitch Lorelai to stop talking and stop being so fucking annoying. She's like one of those annoying kids from high school that say things like "Pink pony!" and bust a gut. Not funny. Just annoying. Also, no one really talks like that because of how stupid it sounds and because no one can get a word in while you're trying to ramble on and demonstrate how "on the same page" and how freakishly close you are with your daughter. Finally, Lorelai and Rory, why don't you make something fucking happen during your show.Ohhh! I get it- Lorelai works, Rory goes to school and you walk to a diner owned by a disgruntled idiot and steal coffee. SEVEN FUCKING SEASONS?! What is wrong with the world?

My only love for the day:
Kings of Leon

Yes, I DID try to find the gayest picture of them that I could, because if I didn't you'd be blown away by their beauty.They are three brothers and a cousin, and I don't know how such beauty could come from one set of ovaries (I'm going by majority here. I am aware there were two sets of ovaries involved in their creation). Aside from being everything I desire in my future husband (Southern, beautiful, rich...), these fellows are quite talented. I will say a lot of their music isn't for everyone, but their latest album Only By the Night is really one for the masses. My mom likes it, I like it, John Mayer likes it. They also seem to be pretty funny dudes. I'd seriously consider throwing back some whiskey and making memories with these guys kind of funny (and I don't just hang out with anyone). Check out their home videos on their YouTube and tell me you don't fall in love. My final reason for loving Kings of Leon is a bit juvenile, some would say, but it's because the singer is the most gorgeous creature my eyes have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Feast your eyes:

His name is Caleb and he will be mine. So he's dating a model and lives in a different state and has body guards you say? Pish posh. Nothing can stop love, Caleb, don't forget that, cupcake.

T.G.I.F

2009-01-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. God.

My lovez today is a new found one that is near and dear to my heart. For no more reason than because I say it is, really, but I can't express enough how much I lovez this lovez.

Taylor Swift. My goodness. I have the biggest girl crush on her (think Kirstie Alley sized) and I don't even normally go for youngsters. She's cute, and her music kind of sucks a little bit but not as much as Miley Cyrus or any of those other teen foolz.
Seriously, watch this:
and tell me you don't want to shave her beautiful head of hair off and tape it to yours. Then, possibly, shrink her and put a bald little Taylor in your breast pocket to carry around all day to talk to about boys, how much of a skank Selena Gomez is, and uh, kittens. Yes. I'm sure Taylor Swift loves to talk about kittens. Is there a possibility my love for Taylor is fueled by her endearingly sweet, innocent, goofy, slumber party having, youthfulness to the point of not having to care if she eats carbs or not potential to be the childhood best friend I never had and allow me to reconnect with my youth? Duhz. Does this deter me from wanting to casually run in to her in Nashville which is ten hours away from where I live? Not a chance. Get hip to the T.S., cause gurlfryan rulez.

My hatez for the day.

I figured I would make it something other than a celebrity because, contrary to my track record thus far, I DO hatez and lovez thingz otherz thanz celebritiez. Sooo-
The Fixed Gear Craze

Now, this is disliked by me and few others, which I can't really understand. It goes sort of hand in hand with going green, being a hipster, etc. None of which I completely understand. The biking thing is just dumb because, well, these people look dumb. They gather in mass (Critical Mass, brah) to ride through the streets of cities for what? To stick it to the man that drives cars? To not pollute? I just don't get it. And you might say "Hey, what's so wrong with people getting together to celebrate and talk about things that they like?" and I might say "Absolutely nothing" but I feel like there is an underlying cause to said meet-ups. These kids don't do anything without a cause and/or a motive to reach their goal of sticking out and being original (Despite how this latest cultural phenomenon really is the most UNoriginal thing ever, but that's for another day) I get really bent out of shape over really small things, so what?
You want more? My personal grudge against "these" kids isn't enough to pacify you? Okay. I think you should just drive a car. I bet when most "fixed gear-ers" turned sixteen in the early 2000's they weren't like "Mom, I really want a fucking Huffy in the driveway". It became popular because now the more poor you look the cooler you are, and hobo's ride bikes, so hipsters ride bikes. What is funny about these bikes is how much they cost and how many people that have them (short of Brooklynites and real city folk. -these people I'm not so much disputing, as much as kids in say, Tallahassee, Florida) also have cars! I'm over this rant. Because it will turn into a never ending irrelevant splooge of words pretty soon. In short, I say go spend $1000 on a bike.I will get you new, hip friends, lower your green number, and up yr street cred, dude.

2009-01-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Today will have more Lovez than hatez. Possibly.
Loves:
Hank Azaria.

How do you not love Hank Azaria? By not appreciating his role as Phoebe's ex-lover David who moved to Minsk. Or not loving Moe or Chief Wiggum or Professor Frink or the Comic Book Guy or Apu or pretty much the The Simpsons period. What is wrong with you? You should be ashamed. This man is pure gold. Also, just look at that smile!

Next Lovez:
Boiled Peanuts

Boiled peanuts are delicious. They also come in cajun. Who doesn't love foodz that come with options? Only terrorists, I think. I feel bad for people who aren't from the South because they usually have not had the glory to experience God's little grown-under-ground gift to the world. He let you win the war, but who's really the winner here? The only food I've had in the North we don't have here is scrapple. Oh, what's that? You're contemplating a move? Go figure.

Edit: This is scrapple.

HATEZ:
This is a big one. This woman is the bane of my existence.
I HATEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ MADONNA
Ughhhhh. Just looking at her gives me chills. Or fills me with hate. Either or. Let me count the ways I hate this gargoyle-ish freak.
1. She looks like a monster. From her over worked out body to her over worked on face, she is constantly reminding me of some movie creature that scared me as a child (picture #1: think Gollum, #2, Willy Wonka. So I'm scared a bit easy? Eat me.)
2. She is not musically talented. Now, ok, you think "Well, she's a Pop artist, they never really are." and I agree, but Britney Spears has always been nice to look at or entertaining to watch, so you could just sort of plug your ears. Madonna did have a nice run back in the eighties, but good God, give it up already. That song Ray of Light made me want to punch myself in the face.
3. She's one of those religious/works out too much/humanitarian celebrities. This should potentially not bother me. Potentially. If she didn't have a billion dollars, she wouldn't give a shit about third world countries. If she didn't have a billion dollars, she also wouldn't have some personal trainer bitch follow her around and make sure she only ingests water and wheat grass. And if she didn't have a billion dollars, she wouldn't have had the time to find anything out about Kaballah and would probably just sit in her trailer and chain smoke. And still look like an alien.
4. Evita.

Golden Globez?

2009-01-10T20:54:00.001-08:00

Today, our hatez is Angelina Jolie.

Angelina Jolie is a freak. From Billy Bob Thorton to having 854 kidz, this bitch is just nuts. I don't like her because she's a homewrecker, and despite what anyone says, they all agree and are 100% on Jennifer Aniston's side. I also hate her because she looks like a blowfish or something. Really, if that's plastic surgery, STOP. If it's natural, GET PLASTIC SURGERY. I just really don't get down with her whole I'm-a-humanitarian-I-love-everyone-and-everything-and-I'm-hot-but-I-don't-want-to-be-just-another-hot
-girl-so-I-have-tattoos-and-many-races-of-kids-to-be-edgy vibe. It's whack. Sort of like me saying whack. I think Angelina Jolie is a terrible actress, which is proven in such films as Lara Croft:Tomb Raider and Mr & Mrs Smith. Oh geez, she can make a serious face and glare whilst wearing a body suit. Pure talent, apparently. Lastly, I hate Angelina Jolie because of what she did to Brad Pitt. When he was with Jennifer Aniston, he was beautiful. Like, should have a monument made of him and should sneak through my window every night beautiful. Now, whether the cause is trying to keep track of 293 kids or if he caught something on one of his trips overseas, bitch looks rough. He looks old and sort of had and I don't like it. As a matter of fact, if current Brad came knocking on my window, I'd still have sex with him, but I'd call him John Mayer the whole time.

Today I love Kate Winslet.
Wow. How could one not? She's flawlessly beautiful, a great actress, only has 2 kids, I could go on and on. What really sparked my love for Kate, though, was her finally winning a Golden Globe last night.

Graceful, endearing, sweet. I actually teared up when she was giving that speech. But what I really loved, was "Anne, Meryl, Kristin. Oh God who's the other one?!" In yr face Angelina. Kate Winslet is hot and she rules.

1

2009-01-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

This will contain hatez and lovez and my thoughtz because they matter and you should listen to what I have to say.