Betcha didn't know...

Today is Sunday, God's day, so I'll be pleasant. I think I will do a few lovez.

(Barking Mad should let me win their Twilight pack!)

First, I lovez Werther's Original hard candy.


This shit is like crack. And they are creamy and delicious and cheap. I don't have much else to say except you probably forgot about them since you quit hanging out with your grandpa, but bring it back. You don't know what you're missing.

Next lovez.

Granny Pantiez

Okay, it does feel pretty awesome when you wear really hot bras and panties when you're getting ready to do it. You know you look good, it's exciting, whatever. But, it's also sort of uncomfortable, you're worrying about if you look fat, you have to shave your legs, etc. Not with granny underwear. I have previously been ashamed of my large collection, but no more! I have a feeling that if you go ask any woman what the most comfortable thing they can wear is, they won't say a thong or lace. They also may not say gigantic, cotton, saggy-assed mom underwear, but they should. Go put a pair on, don't wear a bra and lay in your bed. Also, take off your eye make up so you can actually rub them when they itch and then tell me it's not sort of like being in heaven.

Lovez dirt track racing


You probably have no idea what dirt track racing is, so let me break it down for you: people (more often than not, insane hicks) build stock cars (stock cars are not like cars you drive on the street). They take said cars and go to what could be considered white trash Eden, a dirt track. During these races, all sorts of glorious things take place such as crashes, flips, fires, injuries, fights, extreme intoxication, yelling, being hit in the face with dirt and a little bit of racing. These activities may not interest you because you a)are not a boy or b) are not as awesome as I am, but let me tell you some things that may interest you. The food. They have pretty much carnival food and it is pretty much the greatest thing in the world (I'd like to take a moment and give a shout out to corn dogs. Love you, boo) funnel cakes, boiled peanuts, the whole shebang. Cheap beer. Girl fights. It is hilarious. And last but not least, the patrons of this beautiful sport are really something you won't see anywhere else. To put things in perspective, dirt track racing is a bit of a step down from NASCAR, so use your imagination. Or don't and look at these pictures:


Imagine these beauties participating in the intricate art of flirting, while covered in dirt after a few too many Miller Lites. And then a car crash followed by a 20 person brawl. Yes, you can come with me next time I go.

Today will have more Lovez than hatez. Possibly.
Loves:
Hank Azaria.


How do you not love Hank Azaria? By not appreciating his role as Phoebe's ex-lover David who moved to Minsk. Or not loving Moe or Chief Wiggum or Professor Frink or the Comic Book Guy or Apu or pretty much the The Simpsons period. What is wrong with you? You should be ashamed. This man is pure gold. Also, just look at that smile!

Next Lovez:
Boiled Peanuts

Boiled peanuts are delicious. They also come in cajun. Who doesn't love foodz that come with options? Only terrorists, I think. I feel bad for people who aren't from the South because they usually have not had the glory to experience God's little grown-under-ground gift to the world. He let you win the war, but who's really the winner here? The only food I've had in the North we don't have here is scrapple. Oh, what's that? You're contemplating a move? Go figure.

Edit: This is scrapple.

HATEZ:
This is a big one. This woman is the bane of my existence.
I HATEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ MADONNA
Ughhhhh. Just looking at her gives me chills. Or fills me with hate. Either or. Let me count the ways I hate this gargoyle-ish freak.
1. She looks like a monster. From her over worked out body to her over worked on face, she is constantly reminding me of some movie creature that scared me as a child (picture #1: think Gollum, #2, Willy Wonka. So I'm scared a bit easy? Eat me.)
2. She is not musically talented. Now, ok, you think "Well, she's a Pop artist, they never really are." and I agree, but Britney Spears has always been nice to look at or entertaining to watch, so you could just sort of plug your ears. Madonna did have a nice run back in the eighties, but good God, give it up already. That song Ray of Light made me want to punch myself in the face.
3. She's one of those religious/works out too much/humanitarian celebrities. This should potentially not bother me. Potentially. If she didn't have a billion dollars, she wouldn't give a shit about third world countries. If she didn't have a billion dollars, she also wouldn't have some personal trainer bitch follow her around and make sure she only ingests water and wheat grass. And if she didn't have a billion dollars, she wouldn't have had the time to find anything out about Kaballah and would probably just sit in her trailer and chain smoke. And still look like an alien.
4. Evita.