Long time no see.

So, I've not written in a while, mainly because I'm tired of trying to get people to read it, and I do not bare fruits that will go uneaten.

BUT. Today, as I was taking a lovely leisurely mid afternoon bath, I had a sudden hatez. And here it is:

Feminists

Whilst in the bath tub, I glanced over at my Herbal Essences bottle and noticed a fun little trivia fact they put on the bottle. It read: "What do %80 of women do on Valentine's day? Answer: Send themselves flowers" And this conversation played in my head:

Unthinking Jen: Man, why are women so pathetic? Who would send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day?

Thinking Jen: Maybe some lonely, early thirties lady who wants people at her office to think she has a significant other, and uses a made up holiday to validate herself via leading people to believe she's in a relationship.

Unthinking Jen: But why does a woman need a man to validate her existence? That's a bunch of bullshit. Women need to stand up and be comfortable with who they are! We don't need no stinking men!

Thinking Jen: Oh. Fuck. I sound like a feminist.

I just think feminists are annoying. Do you deny the fact that women are obviously less strong than men so there are certain tasks they cannot do? Do you not think that women are better suited to take care of children considering the fact that they are the ones with a natural capability to feed them? Do you not think your time could be better spent fixing your hair or buying a nice, cute dress so you could maybe get a boyfriend? Sure, you don't want to be treated like shit just because you have a vagina, but why not spend your time preaching respect for all other human beings, as it would include you? And let's be honest, people that are as self-righteous as feminists never accomplish anything anyway, so someone tell them to shave their legs already.


My next hatez is

Dirty, Scummy Dudes

Okay, I get it. Life's a garden, dig it! One life to live! Whatever. I actually condone everyone going through that "Fuck everything I'll do what I want and look disgusting phase"...to a point. When you're like, 35, give it up. When it's been over a week since you've washed your hair/taken a shower/shaved, give it up. When, once again, you wouldn't go out to dinner with your parents, GIVE IT UP. To these man-boys, have you ever noticed the quality of female looking like this attracts? News flash, it's not that all women suck or are idiots (although a lot of them are terrible), it could potentially be the fact that you look totally and completely disgusting and your life is a mess. Really unattractive. And even the most "down" girl ever can think you're cool to talk to, but I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't give you the time of day in the way of the sack. Just quit being gross. Really. Please. You look stupid.


My only lovez for the day is

My Mom

Obviously, I like her because she gave birth to me, and call me crazy, but I think that's a pretty nice gift. Also, she's really, really fucking cool. Cooler than your mom, I guarantee it. I have more fun hanging out with he than any of my friends. You could potentially think I have shitty friends or that this fact is sad, but, whatever, fuck you. She's just a cool lady, a cool person and, most important of all:

A TOTAL BABE!

So it's 12:30 in the afternoon and I've already been all over God's green earth (normally I don't wake up until now) and since I've been amongst the general population, I am, naturally, angry. Today I hatez:

Fashion

I hate fashion because, contrary to what Meryl Streep says in The Devil Wears Prada, it is pointless. Designers really put months and months of work into that crap just to have maybe ten minutes worth of show on a runway. Is it a sick burn when they go out into the real world and see people wearing UGG's and velour jumpsuits? Or jeans and Tshirts? Do they feel like their lives are a big waste and only rich people who are vapid and clueless and self-indulgent keep them afloat? Well, they should. I also think it is everything that is wrong with the world. I couldn't wear these clothes, I'm a size 12, and I hate clubs that exclude me, therefore, I hate fashion. Stop making me feel fat, fashion models. I hate how ridiculous everything looks, and don't pull that it's art bullshit. Pretty soon I'm going to start crapping in the street and saying, "Oh, but it's art, mannnn." It's silly dressing this way and a good rule of thumb is if you won't go to lunch with your parents in it, you probably shouldn't wear it. And I don't know about your parents, but if I showed up to Cracker Barrel in one of those stupid hats up there, my mom would tell me I look like a moron and that I couldn't sit with them. Once again, jeans and a Tshirt will always prevail.

Next, I hatez traffic.

God, do I loathe sitting in traffic. Not really because it's monotonous and boring and keeps me from getting where I want to be when I want to be there. No, I can deal with that. I hate it because I always get stuck next to either a) some creepy, leather-faced dude who insists on smiling and winking and waving at me every time we move five feet or b) some "gangsta" who thinks that making MY rearview mirrors rattle means his music is good. Here is what I have to say to them:
Dear sir with a leather face, what do you want me to do? Would you like for me to get out of my car have sex with you right here in the middle of the road? Do you want me to wink and wave back to boost your self-esteem? And really, do you even want a woman who you "got" by being suggestive during traffic? Actually, I take that last one back. You would probably settle for any woman under 350 with more than 50% of her teeth. Gross.
And dear sir with da bangin' system, I do not like your music. I appreciate you trying to share it with me, but I'm most likely trying to listen to Mariah Carey or something and don't need the help. Also, having your music on that loud and all those vibrations cannot be healthy. Don't you want to have baby-gangstas one day? Use your brain, dawg.

Hating you both for ruining my commute,
Jennifer Norris.
PS-
Homeboy, lean your seat up, you should be able to see over your hood and they really did design those seats to sit that way for a reason.


My last hatez, is, well, a bit personal. And I really try to leave out personal information about myself because this blog is just supposed to be funny and entertaining, but I really can't resist this one:

Chris Jordan

Yeah, he is hot isn't he? Brace yourself now, because I am going to launch into one of those girls rants. I hate Chris Jordan because he hurt my feelings and, for a long time, I hated him because he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. What a jerk! I am awesome, obviously. I also hate him because he does that thing (which I'm not sure if all dudes do this because I don't really date) where he does something crazy and then you react to it as any normal person would, and he flips it around and makes YOU feel like the crazy one. Yeah, Chris Jordan invented that. I also hate Chris Jordan because he makes me feel weird about him now. Like, why can't we still be somewhat friends? Why you gots ta be such a weiner? NBD, I guess. I don't really know where this thing came from, but, isn't every girl allowed to hate her ex-boyfriend? Alright, cool. If not, suck it.

My only lovez for the day is

Deviled Eggs
I'm sure at this point you've probably made your own judgments about me. But, I do like things other than TV, food, and hating celebrities. I like to drink, be funny, and probably other stuff. This lovez just so happens to fit into my regular taste, but why fix it if it ain't broken? Deviled eggs are a staple on any holiday at my house. I also must tell you that I only like my mom's, so if you're thinking about making me some, don't. I most likely won't like them. Also, if you're one of those that puts paprika or cayenne pepper on top of your deviled eggs, do the word a favor and never cook again.

Today I hate a lot.
Lady Gaga


No, bitch, I don't like you. I don't like that Christina Aguilara got shit for trying to copy you because you suck and homegirl wouldn't make that mistake. I don't like that you're always half naked and I don't like that you think singing about being drunk and losing your keys and your man is cool, because frankly, I don't care about either. You and Katy Perry should really start a clothing line together. You could call it "Dressed Like An Idiot". Or make it something more poppy and fun and aimed towards your demographic. Either way, I have faith that both of you will keep poisoning the minds of people who are just generally probably trying to drive their cars but because popular radio eats dick, they are forced to hear your mind numbingly stupid music.


Perez Hilton

My reasons for hating Perez Hilton should be obvious: he is rich from doing nothing, whilst I am not. Oh, yes, it does go much deeper. I assume he thinks the shit he writes about anyone cares about (I know you care about what I have to say because I am wonderful and awesome, so this judgment doesn't apply to me). And I also assume he thinks naming celebrity couples things like "Brangelina" and drawing cum leaking out of people's faces is funny. It is not. Hoorah, you got rich because you know how to type and use paint. BFD, turd. Lastly I really have something against people who try to publicly make that transition from regular person who blogs to internet/real life celebrity. It is never done gracefully, and when you are featured on Cribs, you just look poor. Perez Hilton tries this. He talks about how he loves hunky celebrities, wants to lose weight blah blah blah then turns around and starts pushing his book down your throat and talks about how he wuz t0tally hangin wif Katy Perry n shiz. Suck. Oh, one more thing: he always posts shitty new music that will "get you bumpin'" and it sucks and that's how people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga have careers right now. DOUBLE SUCK.




My last hate for the day is:

Gilmore Girls

This show is an anomaly as far as I am concerned. How something so stupid could last for what, seven seasons? is beyond anything my mind can handle.

The odd relationship between mother and daughter is really scary. I imagine the only people that enjoy this are mothers that have daughters going through their teen angst/rebellious phase, and dream of having such a witty, trusting relationship with their daughters. Note to these women: this relationship is unhealthy. The daughter should not be the mother. Another disgusting thing about this show is the terrible banter. I have had thoughts of throwing my television to get that bitch Lorelai to stop talking and stop being so fucking annoying. She's like one of those annoying kids from high school that say things like "Pink pony!" and bust a gut. Not funny. Just annoying. Also, no one really talks like that because of how stupid it sounds and because no one can get a word in while you're trying to ramble on and demonstrate how "on the same page" and how freakishly close you are with your daughter. Finally, Lorelai and Rory, why don't you make something fucking happen during your show.Ohhh! I get it- Lorelai works, Rory goes to school and you walk to a diner owned by a disgruntled idiot and steal coffee. SEVEN FUCKING SEASONS?! What is wrong with the world?


My only love for the day:
Kings of Leon


Yes, I DID try to find the gayest picture of them that I could, because if I didn't you'd be blown away by their beauty.They are three brothers and a cousin, and I don't know how such beauty could come from one set of ovaries (I'm going by majority here. I am aware there were two sets of ovaries involved in their creation). Aside from being everything I desire in my future husband (Southern, beautiful, rich...), these fellows are quite talented. I will say a lot of their music isn't for everyone, but their latest album Only By the Night is really one for the masses. My mom likes it, I like it, John Mayer likes it. They also seem to be pretty funny dudes. I'd seriously consider throwing back some whiskey and making memories with these guys kind of funny (and I don't just hang out with anyone). Check out their home videos on their YouTube and tell me you don't fall in love. My final reason for loving Kings of Leon is a bit juvenile, some would say, but it's because the singer is the most gorgeous creature my eyes have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Feast your eyes:

His name is Caleb and he will be mine. So he's dating a model and lives in a different state and has body guards you say? Pish posh. Nothing can stop love, Caleb, don't forget that, cupcake.