I hatez:

Katy Perry

Good. Lord. Where do I start? She is becoming my new Madonna. I just hate everything about her. Perhaps a good jumping off point would be to quote Ms. Perry herself, "You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal. You're so skinny you should really super size the deal...You're so gay and you don't even like boys". Now all of her awards make sense! With cunning, intelligent writing capabilities like that, maybe she's in the wrong form of entertainment. Maybe she should start writing books. You know what else she should do? Stop dressing like a fucking moron. I mean really, everyone gets it Katy. You don't care! You're just here to make "Rock n' Roll"! You're hip and silly and edgy and original. Hoorah. Do you also know you're annoying, look stupid, not good at making music and quite possibly everything that's wrong with the world? On top of just dressing stupid, everything Katy Perry does is stupid. From performing on gigantic tubes of Chapstick to having cake fights on stage and then busting ass. It is all annoying and I wish she would stop. Stop ruining music. Stop thinking she's cool. Stop thinking she looks like Zooey Deschanel (Zooey is way hotter and better in every way). I'm almost inclined to say stop living, but I'm not really in a bad mood today. Also, while we're making changes here, Katy, maybe try wearing a pair of pants every once in a while? Have you ever worn jeans and a Tshirt? It really is glorious, all of us normal "not ttly aw3$some bitchez" do it, so it won't hurt you. Just, you know, think about it. My final complaint about Katy Perry isn't so much directly related to her as it is her actions:


KATY, PLEASE STOP HANGING OUT WITH PEREZ HILTON AND LADY GAGA.
I couldn't find any evidence of the three of you hanging out together but that explains the world still existing, as I imagine this much stupidity and (let's face it) pure sugar-coated evil would bring on the Apocalypse. I will point my finger at you for the current global economic crisis due to, probably, just these single instances pictured above. So, my girl kissing, flamboyantly dressed enemy, I'm begging you to stop(existing for eternity).


Today something happened that has never happened to me before: I don't know if I lovez or hatez Lily Allen.

While on one hand, Lily Allen seems to be pretty funny and doesn't take herself seriously, because well, she doesn't make that great of music and she's sort of tool-ish, so I appreciate her being honest with herself. She, too, dislikes Katy Perry and likes to get her drank on, which I also appreciate. On the other hand, she thinks she is fantastic and is sort of a bitch. I really like that she doesn't like Perez Hilton, but on the flip side, I think a majority of what he says about her is funny and true and really seems to get her panties in a wad, thus canceling my prior judgments of her not taking herself to seriously. Ugh! I also hate that she always goes to the beach topless. I understand that you're from Europe and that's cool there, but people take pictures of you and criticize you and then you whine about them calling you fat. Don't be such a moron. Also, I don't think you have nice enough boobs to go flopping them around everywhere, just sayin'. Long story short, I live in a world of black and white and Lily Allen is gray matter, so please help me decide so I don't lose any sleep over this (but I really won't because I'm not that sad...and I have booze).


My lovez for the day is
Chick Fil A

I lovezzzzzzz Chick Fil A. It is the greatest food ever made and nothing will ever top it. I know they don't have them everywhere, so if you live in one of these non-Chick Fil A areas, I am going to give you great advice and tell you to move. Aside from being the most tasteful sensation my tongue has ever had, I like Chick Fil A because it's one of those fast foods that don't make me feel all fat and gross after I eat it. Most likely because it's made from angel tears and magic chickens, probably. If you ever want to take me on a date, this is a safe bet and since I was about fifteen I decided Chick Fil A is going to cater my wedding. So this could be more of an obsession than a love, but WHATEVA! They have funny commercials and advertising which is also a good way to get on my good side (Geico Gecko, what's up!? Love you.) and I know you might think that I hate that they're closed on Sundays, but I don't even care. I think of it as them doing their part to not let me over indulge myself, because after all, where would I be if I ate Chick Fil A SEVEN days a week? Good looking out, Jesus.

Possibly because of PMS or just because I am who I am, I find myself in an irate mood and I will take it out on:

Techno

God, I hate techno music and all that comes along with it. The music is just terrible. How hard is it to take a ten second clip of music and repeat it to the point of it becoming mind numbing? I do believe mind numbing and a solid thrusting beat are the only reasons this music was created, thus providing the patrons of this genre a reason to "totally wig out" and rub Vicks Vaporub on eachother. If you're not familiar with this "music", turn on your popular radio station on a Friday night and see what comes on. Yes, that annoying high-pitched repetitive bullshit IS considered music, but don't let it get you down if you're not hip to the jive. The people that consider it music typically like to do ecstasy, have facial piercings, and still wear Jnco jeans while sucking on pacifiers. I once dated a dude who did ecstasy on more than one occasion and he said it "was all the love he could ever want to feel". What a pussy. (He turned out to be psychotic.) Neon colors, same sex rubbing, sex in public, strobe lights, neon dreads, and platform shoes are all, as far as I am concerned, to be blamed on techno music. Those things alone are enough to make me want to break every set of turn tables in the world, even if it means I'll never be able to hear my favorite Salt n Peppa jams fuse into Sir Mix A Lot. It's a small price to pay, as far as I'm concerned.


I was going to write about how much I hatez Katy Perry next, but I fear my anger has taken it's toll and I don't have the energy to truly describe how much I loathe that bitch. Instead, I'll keep it short and do a lovez about:

Saint Bernards

I want 9,234,876 of these to let crawl all over my face. When they're puppies, of course. Have you ever seen Beethoven? These big, clumsy bastards are the cutest things in the world. I would almost be happier if a slimy little St. Bernard came out of me instead of a kid. Seriously, can't you just imagine laying in a big king size bed with one of these to cuddle up to? I could possibly turn into a crazy St. Bernard lady and never get married. One Saint Bernard wearing a mini beer keg? YES, PLZ!

Today I hate a lot.
Lady Gaga


No, bitch, I don't like you. I don't like that Christina Aguilara got shit for trying to copy you because you suck and homegirl wouldn't make that mistake. I don't like that you're always half naked and I don't like that you think singing about being drunk and losing your keys and your man is cool, because frankly, I don't care about either. You and Katy Perry should really start a clothing line together. You could call it "Dressed Like An Idiot". Or make it something more poppy and fun and aimed towards your demographic. Either way, I have faith that both of you will keep poisoning the minds of people who are just generally probably trying to drive their cars but because popular radio eats dick, they are forced to hear your mind numbingly stupid music.


Perez Hilton

My reasons for hating Perez Hilton should be obvious: he is rich from doing nothing, whilst I am not. Oh, yes, it does go much deeper. I assume he thinks the shit he writes about anyone cares about (I know you care about what I have to say because I am wonderful and awesome, so this judgment doesn't apply to me). And I also assume he thinks naming celebrity couples things like "Brangelina" and drawing cum leaking out of people's faces is funny. It is not. Hoorah, you got rich because you know how to type and use paint. BFD, turd. Lastly I really have something against people who try to publicly make that transition from regular person who blogs to internet/real life celebrity. It is never done gracefully, and when you are featured on Cribs, you just look poor. Perez Hilton tries this. He talks about how he loves hunky celebrities, wants to lose weight blah blah blah then turns around and starts pushing his book down your throat and talks about how he wuz t0tally hangin wif Katy Perry n shiz. Suck. Oh, one more thing: he always posts shitty new music that will "get you bumpin'" and it sucks and that's how people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga have careers right now. DOUBLE SUCK.




My last hate for the day is:

Gilmore Girls

This show is an anomaly as far as I am concerned. How something so stupid could last for what, seven seasons? is beyond anything my mind can handle.

The odd relationship between mother and daughter is really scary. I imagine the only people that enjoy this are mothers that have daughters going through their teen angst/rebellious phase, and dream of having such a witty, trusting relationship with their daughters. Note to these women: this relationship is unhealthy. The daughter should not be the mother. Another disgusting thing about this show is the terrible banter. I have had thoughts of throwing my television to get that bitch Lorelai to stop talking and stop being so fucking annoying. She's like one of those annoying kids from high school that say things like "Pink pony!" and bust a gut. Not funny. Just annoying. Also, no one really talks like that because of how stupid it sounds and because no one can get a word in while you're trying to ramble on and demonstrate how "on the same page" and how freakishly close you are with your daughter. Finally, Lorelai and Rory, why don't you make something fucking happen during your show.Ohhh! I get it- Lorelai works, Rory goes to school and you walk to a diner owned by a disgruntled idiot and steal coffee. SEVEN FUCKING SEASONS?! What is wrong with the world?


My only love for the day:
Kings of Leon


Yes, I DID try to find the gayest picture of them that I could, because if I didn't you'd be blown away by their beauty.They are three brothers and a cousin, and I don't know how such beauty could come from one set of ovaries (I'm going by majority here. I am aware there were two sets of ovaries involved in their creation). Aside from being everything I desire in my future husband (Southern, beautiful, rich...), these fellows are quite talented. I will say a lot of their music isn't for everyone, but their latest album Only By the Night is really one for the masses. My mom likes it, I like it, John Mayer likes it. They also seem to be pretty funny dudes. I'd seriously consider throwing back some whiskey and making memories with these guys kind of funny (and I don't just hang out with anyone). Check out their home videos on their YouTube and tell me you don't fall in love. My final reason for loving Kings of Leon is a bit juvenile, some would say, but it's because the singer is the most gorgeous creature my eyes have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Feast your eyes:

His name is Caleb and he will be mine. So he's dating a model and lives in a different state and has body guards you say? Pish posh. Nothing can stop love, Caleb, don't forget that, cupcake.