Motherfuckingshit. I literally typed out a lie saying how busy I've been and how it has left me unable to make love to your eyes with the written word. In all reality, I have had a normal person's job and it is so exhausting and soul-sucking that I just haven't had enough emotion in me to develop a lovez or hatez. Well, enough is enough.

Today, I MOTHER FUCKING HATEZ:

PEOPLE WHO NAME ARBITRARY THINGS

Look, it's pretty simple: don't name anything that isn't living. Cars, amps, genitalia, whatever. If you're one of those assholes that will rebut this with "Well, (insert STUPID FUCKING NAME FOR YOUR CAR/AMP/GENITALIA/WHATEVER) does have a soul!", then I think you should stop reading right now, find the closest person you can, and ask them to honestly tell you how stupid you are. (You're welcome for that reality check.) You also probably think that wearing glitter is cute, are one of those adults that own stuffed animals, and need to get laid.
No one cares about your shit. Ever. And the fact that you took the time to think of a name to call something instead of saying "my ______" shows that you really are a sad, self-indulgent, boring turd. I can't think of anything else to say other than WHY? I can't remember people's names a lot of the time, much less trying to keep up with what I call my fucking green pen (Greeny?). I hate you, asshole.



WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY OWN THE SAME THING YOU'RE WEARING

"Ohmygod! Cute dress! Is that from Urban Outfitters? I totally have that same outfit!" Fuck. Off. Firstly, why would you ask me where I got the shits if you know where it's from? Secondly, why, for Pete's sake, do you think I care that you also own it? Are you also wearing it now and I've recently gone blind so you're telling me this so we can quickly MacGyver our clothes as to save face and not be accidental matchers? Do you think telling me you also have it is going to excite a brilliant idea of us going somewhere and publicly, as adults, wearing matching clothes? No. I hate people that match. I think that twins are fucking freaks and it makes my skin crawl when they dress the same. This being said, NATURALLY, I want us to wear the same outfit. Thanks for letting me know you have it. (Also, hand to God, if one of my friends buys an item of clothing [or any variation of it] that I already own, it is a well known rule that the first owner calls dibs and gets priority when it is worn. The other person is shit out of luck and will have to wear a napkin if need be.) Lastly, thanks for the compliment, I know I buy attractive clothing, but would you be saying anything about it if you didn't own it? Don't lie. Take your cool-brag and get out of here, turd wad.




The only thing I lovez today is

RICKY GERVAIS, STEVEN MERCHANT, & KARL PILKINGTON
These men are my gods. They are hilarious, minimally attractive, British, and rich. Ricky Gervais also happens to have the best laugh known to man. They have my ideal life, excepting the fact that they don't bang Robert Pattinson on a regular basis (to my knowledge). I have always been a fan of Ricky Gervais, but recently was introduced to An Idiot Abroad and The Ricky Gervais Show. An Idiot Abroad is how I was introduced to the Crackle and Pop to Ricky's Snap. It primarily focuses on Karl, who travels around the world on terrible trips that Ricky and Steven have set up to basically torture him, as he is the dullest, whiniest fuck on the planet. It is 100% the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. The Ricky Gervais show features the three of them, sitting in a room talking about random shit, and listening to Karl's skewed, retarded take on said shit. Like this
"Q:At the same time, though, you credit them for the career you have now.
A:Without a doubt, if it wasn’t for Ricky and Steve, there’s no way I’d be sitting here talking to you now. There’s no getting away from that. But we all get help along the way, don’t we, really? That’s what I said about Jesus getting known only because his dad was known."
It is 100% the second funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. On top of this, they all just seem like really wonderful dudes. They're smart, but not too smart, seem normal enough, and they make the word "cunt" sound pleasant. Please stop watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and check their shit out. RULES!

Today I'm in a pretty good mood because I took a nap at work and had a nice BM. Therefore, I lovez:

Pancakes

Dude. Don't tell anybody. I'm a big hater of breakfast, but pancakes are just fucking delightful. You know, when you first get them and they're still warm. Man, I imagine that's as awesome as what a 14 year old boy having sex for the first time feels. Most people have sex at 14, right? That's totally normal, right? Shit. I will say, however, that I do NOT eat syrup on pancakes. That shit is disgusting. Strawberries allllll the way, homes.



SURFING!

Man, surfing is so awesome. I think. I've never actually done it, but, God does it look cool. Like, just gliding on top of the water, being all tan and sporty. I'm jealous. If I were a surfer, I wouldn't pay money for a tan, to get my hair dyed blonde, or for a gym membership and it would also be acceptable for me to say "like" as much as I want and be stupid. This is my dream life.
There are a few down sides, though. Mainly that you have to be in the ocean and be out in the sun all day. Also, fuck sharks. Scariest things ever.

Oh, it's also not laying on the couch in sweatpants watching TV, so I don't know if I'm into actually doing it, but it's totally one of those things that I'll say I want to do so people think I'm "that type", when in all reality I'm an unadventurous heffer. WOMP WOMP.


The only thing I hatez today is

The Debbie Downer friend

I don't think this one of those types of friends that every group has because most people try to avoid them. You know, they're that asshole that always has something negative to say, can't ever have fun doing anything, and shits all over everyone else's fun. This might sound a lot like me, but there's a difference between us, perhaps only slight, but it still exists: I do this to be funny, and not because I'm a miserable bitch. I just think being mean to people is funnier than poop jokes. Everyone has their own style of humor, and mine is being a H8R. I'm not a Debbie Downer, though, because when in the right circumstances (think: hanging out at a bar with a bunch of my girlfriends doing shots of whiskey and bullshitting with a bartender) I am buckets and buckets of silly, pleasant fun. I actually don't care about writing about hating Debbies anymore, because now I'm too busy thinking about the last time that I went out with my girlfriends. They had to stop my from getting in a limo full of dudes in Ed Hardy button-ups trying to give me Four Lokos. God, I'm the funnest girl ever!

Oh hey. I didn’t forget about you, I’ve just been busy making out with Robert Pattinson and rolling around in piles of money or slaving away in an office listening to people talk about dumb shit I don’t care about while I make just enough money to take the burden of my bills off my parents. One of those. Anyway, let me tell you about some shit I lovez and hatez.


Firstly, I hatez:
Hippies

This has always been a tough thing for me to admit because I swear on all of my unborn children that if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to any place that I wanted to, it would be Woodstock. I’d get loaded out of my mind and lay in the mud, have lots of literally dirty sex and let Jimi Hendrix blow my mind. So how can I hate hippies so much if I’d give my children to be one? I’d be one for three days, then I’d go home, get a job, and look normal. I don’t mind their ideas of peace and love, that’s really nice…for five year olds and retarded kids. I basically just hate the idea of free loaders, especially free loaders that smell like patchouli. Well, patchouli and shit. Most of the “hippie” kids I know don’t wear deodorant (because it gives you cancer?) and I have even heard of people “washing” their hair with vinegar and baking soda. Come on. Lastly, my problems with hippies goes back to their ideals. Now, I don’t agree with genocide or mass slayings or anything, but war is necessary sometimes to protect our great nation, so don’t be a little bitch about it. America, fuck yeah.




I also really fucking hatez

Nazis

Man, what pieces of shit. Like, seriously, thanks for the really good genes (these big blues and phenomenal cheek bones had to come from somewhere), but why is you hatin’ on Jews and shit? I often get on kicks where I get obsessed with something for like a week and the Holocaust seems to be one that keeps coming back. *Note to reader: public libraries look at you strangely and judgingly when you have $150 to pay for Nazi films you stole.
During my most recent kick, I watched the movie Boy in the Striped Pajamas, a document on Auschwitz, and re-watched Sophie’s Choice. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KIDS THOSE FUCKERS KILLED IN THOSE THREE MOVIES ALONE?! How do you make Meryl Streep choose which one of her fucking kids is going to die?! I almost wish Hitler was still alive so he could get skull fucked on a daily basis. Please read something about the Holocaust to get it fresh in your brain. It will piss you off and make you love everyone. Even if Jews are cheap.

BTW, apparently Nazi symbols are banned on a shit load of picture hosting websites, so you get the Soup Nazi.



Today I only lovez:

Meryl Streep


For some reason she reminds me of my mom. Not my actual mom, because that ho has a mouth like a sailor and has been known to make grown men cry, but you know how sometimes you think about people and they just manifest in a super positive light, where they’re like, nicer and better looking but you just imagine them that way. That’s what Meryl Streep is for my mom. Shit. That sounded real bad.
Anyway, I love Meryl Streep because she’s an amazing actress and she has a real knack for picking the perfect role. I mean, she’s Sophie for Christ’s sake. She had to make the hardest decision ever. Nothing she’s ever done has been tasteless, bad, or inappropriate, yet most of her roles have been vastly different and she’s done them all extremely well. I think that’s pretty respectable and really rare in her field of work. Examples:




Oh, I also love her because she looks like she could be in my family and is really beautiful. And we’re really beautiful and other beautiful people make us just feel more comfortable because we get each other’s struggle.

I'm in a shitty mood.

I lovez:

Social Networking Sites

I don't really love these. I think they're sort of depressing. Everyone has that friend that tries to be too witty and weird and whatever, there's always that faggot who writes motivational shit all the time and lastly, my personal favorite, the person who, despite being at a computer, types in "text". I really like what it shows about people. Take me, for example. I have no friends these days and don't have a life either, so I use social networking to entertain myself and talk about the things I would otherwise tell another human being. I also use them to look at myself. I am really narcissistic. I also like the picture aspect of social networking sites. Let's use Facebook, since it seems to be most popular these days: if you look at the pictures someone posts of themselves, you might think "Oh hai! When did he/she get so attractive? I always remember him/her having bad skin and stupid hair." THEN, you look at those "tagged" pictures and the truth comes out. You would think that knowing this process of finding out your true ugliness could be avoided by not letting people tag you, but people are just too stupid. Mainly that's my whole point. I'm really included in this. I am an idiot on the internet and you are too. Thnx 4 da gud tymez, internetz.





Dating Websites

While I'm on the subject of the internet, I'll just go ahead and knock this out, too. You might remember my rant about Match.com and might think that would have ended my quest to find cyber love, but you would be incorrect. Since then I've tried a few more and it's obviously ended up turning out really well. I CONSTANTLY have super guidos, fat dudes, wiggers, and just the best types of men saying things like "U R s0 FINEE" or "whats up iam corey i was looking around on here and seen u and would love to get to know u somemore u sound cool and u r super sexy hit me up sometime." Who doesn't love a man that doesn't know what punctuation is? I did have one odd bit of luck from the internet, but he didn't like me. Dang it. Whatevs. I've got plenty of bangin' dudes just loading up my inbox! Stick n' move, ya dig?!


My only hatez for the day is

MTV

I guess I just hate MTV for a few reasons:
1. I'm jealous of everyone on this channel. Either because they are so idiotic they can't possibly process the things that I think about that bum me out and make me feel inadequate, or because they are ridiculously attractive and rich.
2. They don't show anything good anymore. No more Beavis and Butthead, no more Daria, NO MORE TRL?! Also, the only time they actually show music is in clips between their shitty dating shows, and it's basically what people nowadays believe to be good hip-hop (See:Lil' Mama). So wrong.
3. On a more serious note, they have such a platform to reach young people and get them to treat each other better and do good things, but instead they pump them full of The Hills and Made. I mean, good God, have you ever seen my Super Sweet 16? Do they understand that this just makes other stupid teenagers feel like this is what they have to do to be liked? Disssssssgusting. I get that they're just money hungry old guys, but I'm pretty sure that if they gave me a job I could still make them a shit load of money and not have young people with the mental capacity of a block of cheese. Just sayin'.
I could probably find about a billion other reasons to hate MTV, but it's all centered around the same shit. (Oh, canceling Singled Out? BIG MISTAKE, btw.) I guess they're just really lucky they made Jersey Shore, otherwise, I'd be cracking skulls.

020910

HATEZ:

"Queen Sized"


“If you knew that people would like you better if you lost weight, aren’t you just punishing yourself?”

Yes. You are. Everyone hates fat people, obviously. So it was a wise decision to make a movie about a girl who is fat and tries to show her mom (who nags her about being fat) and the "popular kids" (who make fun of her for being fat) that she's more than just a fat girl. How will she show them? Running for Homecoming Queen. What a fucking genius. My main problems with this movie, aside from the fact that it was made by Lifetime, are as follows:
1. The way they just call this girl fat all the time. Not even the people they are making fun of her, but like, her mom and school counselors. They act like it's cancer or something and they're totally rude about it.
2. How unrealistic it is. Aside from the completely obvious, they make it seem like she's the only and fattest person ever. And all of her stupid friends rally behind her cause even though they're not fat. But in doing so, they're basically calling her fat (see point #1). I don't know about you, but if I went to my best friend and I was all, "Mannn, I'm never going to be Homecoming Queen and date the quarterback because I'm such a disgusting fatbody!", she would be like, "No you're not, but, uh, why don't we start running." No way in hell would her response be to get people to vote for me for being fat. That's like, the cruelest joke ever.
3. I hate the way she makes being fat seem like it's the new goth kid. It's not some choice. There is no music to go along with fatness (well, Clay Aiken?). You don't have a designated lunch table. You're really just some nerd who happens to wear larger clothes. That's why you get made fun of. Fat is just your best quality, most likely. How about people wouldn't pick on you if you weren't such an idiot? Or maybe if you quit whining about how fat you are all the time and maybe told a joke you could get some friends? Sure, Funny Fat Friend isn't Prom Queen, but it's better than Annoying Whiney Self-Righteous Fat Girl. BTW, I'm sure those "normal" unpopular kids you said you represented think you're fat and dumb too. Shut it, Nikki Blonski.

Don't watch it.



Megan Fox

Right. I get it. She's really pretty. Sort of. She's also kind of mannish. Oh, wait. She's an actress? She's done great films like Jennifer's Body, Tranformers,and, hold the phone! Transformers 2?! Do I really have to keep going? Is it really not obvious that people put up with her shrill voice and moronic facial expressions simply so they can maybe get a glimpse of her hot bod? Not convinced? Check this shit out:

"I always went with the banana because it was skinnier".
Wait, wait, wait. She looks like Angelina Jolie and has a sweeeeeeet Marilyn Monroe portrait? I take it all back. She rulz.

Not.

I don't love anything today. Actually, I do, but that picture of Megan Fox has really just got me feeling a bit grossed out and I think I need to give myself some time.

11910

The start of the new year has gotten me in pretty high spirits. So high, I am loving these things:

Rom Coms

I love rom-coms (Romantic Comedies, for all you non-abbreviating nerds) because they have happy endings. And they're mind numbing and predictable. I guess the only reason anyone likes movies, essentially, is to escape from reality for just a little bit, so why not escape to a place where dudes do cute things and ugly girls get married? I'll suggest a few good ones for those of you who hate yourselves and watch horror movies and shit: The Holiday(+Jude Law is a babe, -Jack Black is in it), Ever After(+Princes and Drew Berrymore, -if you've seen Cinderella, you already know what's happening) and Definitely, Maybe (+Ryan Reynolds is a dad to a little girl. Dad's are adorable, -Ryan Reynolds).


The First Three or so Episodes of American Idol

These are the audition episodes. They are hilarious. I only like the people that do really ridiculous shit and get called out by it because the socially awkward people who really suck and think they can sing make me uncomfortable. I also like how sometimes they give a little back story on contestants who have had "trying times" and they always make me weep a little. And I love a good TV induced cry, BTW. I will say that Mary J. Blige really ruined one of these episodes for me, though. She was a guest judge and was being a straight up ghetto bitch to these people who had the balls to sing in front of other people. She was laughing in their faces and just all around being pretty rude. No good. See if I download or if I buy "No More Drama" off iTunes now, Mary. See what happens.

Jersey Shore

Oh. Lord. Jersey Shore was the greatest thing to happen to my life since learning how to read or something. I don't actually think the people on there are that shitty, to be honest. Aside from having ridiculous taste in people, clothing and hair, they're honestly not terrible human beings. I mean, I've definitely seen bigger assholes on Real World, ya dig? I don't know man. I just really, really love pretty much everything about it. And I don't think I'm the only one. Really though, can you honestly say you hate
THE FIST PUMP/BEATING THE BEAT

DI'INT THINK SO.

1229

I fucking hatez

Buffets

Maybe I don't actually hate everything about buffets. I like having different varieties of food. And I don't hate all buffets (Have you ever been on a cruise and been to one of those midnight chocolate buffets? Shit Sonnn!), I basically just hate the disgusting ones that normal people are allowed at. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself that I feel the need to go to a restaurant where I am going to eat more than one plate, I see some big fat lady in front of me in line for the macaroni and cheese and can't help but think it will one day be me. That sucks. Just in general all the people at buffets are hugely fat. Being fat is whatever. This was me in third grade:

The difference is that I knew I was fat and if I ever went to a buffet, I'd only eat salad and then take fried food home so people thought I had a thyroid problem or something. It seems like fat people at buffets are shameless. I also hate that people let their fucking kids run around and be loud. Put them on a leash or something. I don't want their booger-picking fingers touching my french fries, for Christ's sake. My last logical point is that when food is being made in mass quantities, it just can't be well made. And most buffets are like $15, so I'm not going to let Golden Corral fuck me out of my money for dog food. I ain't no sucka!


I also hatez
"The Mac Community"

I don't own a Mac. I want to own a Mac. Just because they have built in cameras, really. Anyway, Apple has just started some sort of hipster cult with this bullshit.
Their advertising department really deserves some credit with they way they made Mac users seem so cool and attractive and hip like Justin Long and the rest of the world fat, middle-aged balding men. Genius. How wonderful is it that you can go to forums and talk to other people about what kind of computer you have. I always wondered if I was missing something about Macs that got them all this hoopla, but I am just not getting it. Do they even have solitare? Can someone please tell me? I've really been slacking lately on being hip and trendy, some would even say I'm not cool, but I really think investing in a Mac would help. Also, where exactly IS the Mac Community? (Dad joke? Check.) I don't really care about the actual computer battle of Mac VS PC, as long as I can read shitty blogs and look at pictures of myself I'm cool, but seriously, Mac Community? Come on.


Today I lovez:
The iPhone

What? It's a sweet phone. The Super Phone, if you will. I don't feel like it makes me part of any club except the "I Have Fingers Too Fat for My Phone" club, and that's not a glamorous one.