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The start of the new year has gotten me in pretty high spirits. So high, I am loving these things:

Rom Coms

I love rom-coms (Romantic Comedies, for all you non-abbreviating nerds) because they have happy endings. And they're mind numbing and predictable. I guess the only reason anyone likes movies, essentially, is to escape from reality for just a little bit, so why not escape to a place where dudes do cute things and ugly girls get married? I'll suggest a few good ones for those of you who hate yourselves and watch horror movies and shit: The Holiday(+Jude Law is a babe, -Jack Black is in it), Ever After(+Princes and Drew Berrymore, -if you've seen Cinderella, you already know what's happening) and Definitely, Maybe (+Ryan Reynolds is a dad to a little girl. Dad's are adorable, -Ryan Reynolds).


The First Three or so Episodes of American Idol

These are the audition episodes. They are hilarious. I only like the people that do really ridiculous shit and get called out by it because the socially awkward people who really suck and think they can sing make me uncomfortable. I also like how sometimes they give a little back story on contestants who have had "trying times" and they always make me weep a little. And I love a good TV induced cry, BTW. I will say that Mary J. Blige really ruined one of these episodes for me, though. She was a guest judge and was being a straight up ghetto bitch to these people who had the balls to sing in front of other people. She was laughing in their faces and just all around being pretty rude. No good. See if I download or if I buy "No More Drama" off iTunes now, Mary. See what happens.

Jersey Shore

Oh. Lord. Jersey Shore was the greatest thing to happen to my life since learning how to read or something. I don't actually think the people on there are that shitty, to be honest. Aside from having ridiculous taste in people, clothing and hair, they're honestly not terrible human beings. I mean, I've definitely seen bigger assholes on Real World, ya dig? I don't know man. I just really, really love pretty much everything about it. And I don't think I'm the only one. Really though, can you honestly say you hate
THE FIST PUMP/BEATING THE BEAT

DI'INT THINK SO.

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I fucking hatez

Buffets

Maybe I don't actually hate everything about buffets. I like having different varieties of food. And I don't hate all buffets (Have you ever been on a cruise and been to one of those midnight chocolate buffets? Shit Sonnn!), I basically just hate the disgusting ones that normal people are allowed at. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself that I feel the need to go to a restaurant where I am going to eat more than one plate, I see some big fat lady in front of me in line for the macaroni and cheese and can't help but think it will one day be me. That sucks. Just in general all the people at buffets are hugely fat. Being fat is whatever. This was me in third grade:

The difference is that I knew I was fat and if I ever went to a buffet, I'd only eat salad and then take fried food home so people thought I had a thyroid problem or something. It seems like fat people at buffets are shameless. I also hate that people let their fucking kids run around and be loud. Put them on a leash or something. I don't want their booger-picking fingers touching my french fries, for Christ's sake. My last logical point is that when food is being made in mass quantities, it just can't be well made. And most buffets are like $15, so I'm not going to let Golden Corral fuck me out of my money for dog food. I ain't no sucka!


I also hatez
"The Mac Community"

I don't own a Mac. I want to own a Mac. Just because they have built in cameras, really. Anyway, Apple has just started some sort of hipster cult with this bullshit.
Their advertising department really deserves some credit with they way they made Mac users seem so cool and attractive and hip like Justin Long and the rest of the world fat, middle-aged balding men. Genius. How wonderful is it that you can go to forums and talk to other people about what kind of computer you have. I always wondered if I was missing something about Macs that got them all this hoopla, but I am just not getting it. Do they even have solitare? Can someone please tell me? I've really been slacking lately on being hip and trendy, some would even say I'm not cool, but I really think investing in a Mac would help. Also, where exactly IS the Mac Community? (Dad joke? Check.) I don't really care about the actual computer battle of Mac VS PC, as long as I can read shitty blogs and look at pictures of myself I'm cool, but seriously, Mac Community? Come on.


Today I lovez:
The iPhone

What? It's a sweet phone. The Super Phone, if you will. I don't feel like it makes me part of any club except the "I Have Fingers Too Fat for My Phone" club, and that's not a glamorous one.

Hatez:
Dudes

What female doesn't hate dudes a majority of their life? I certainly don't mean that I like women in any sort of romantic way (and BELIEVE me, sometimes I wish I did since men are such shitty creatures, but vaginas just aren't attractive to me and women are a whole different ball game of crazy, so I shall continue my quest for a decent male, despite my feelings about to be explained). I hate them for a few simple reasons.
1. They are not ever what you think. Part of this is our fault. We have some idea of what we want in a male and twist small actions and words to have different meanings, and we project our ideal male on to anyone we want, hoping it'll actually come true. Wrong. Side note: I hate being wrong thus giving me yet another strike against dick-having humans. Men are good at fooling you. In the beginning you think what they do is out of nervousness, them trying to impress you, etc., because you cannot fathom someone being that stupid or so shitty. Wrong again. Even when you've been with someone a long time, they get comfortable and everything you thought you figured out goes right out the window. It's bullshit.
2.They think they're good at sex. Now, this is a topic I've thought about for a long time and my conclusion (and there are scientific studies that prove this point. Google it, mother fucker) is that when a woman is more emotionally attached to a man, intimacy is better. Since all men are idiots, I have never been emotionally attached. It's like math. But this is sort of my fault. What I hate is when they keep doing something and just because you don't want to hurt their fragile, little male egos, you pretend to like it. PRETEND. I would say the most joy most women get out of sex is laughing about it later. IDIOTS.
3. Men are stupid. Sure they're not as confusing as women, but they are just generally less intelligent. From the things they like to their transparent emotions to their primate-like thought processes. They're just dumb.
Some day soon I'll play the other side of the coin and talk about how stupid and crazy women are, but today men can suck it.



The Lottery

I hate the lottery. It just teases me and gets me to think about all the wonderful things I would do. Like buy ten Saint Bernards and a VW thing and go to the beach all the time. I have literally sat down and tallied up the number frequency for the last six months hoping to get some sort of prize, but then I realized I am just stupid and that is completely pointless. I also hate the lottery because when I don't win, I get really mad and mean for a few days because for some reason I feel that my two dollars entitles me to win more than the other few million people playing. Have you noticed that I am a bit indignant and self righteous? Well, that's a stupid observation and you're wrong. LOLZ!




Lovez


The Office

I love The Office almost as much as I love my mother. I really love Dwight Schrute. For a long while, I almost cared more about Jim and Pam's relationship than any one I had going on in my life. It makes me laugh, I love to laugh. They did a great job casting, a great job writing, and bears, beats, Battle Star Galactica.


Siblings

I really love the dynamics of siblings relationships. You love them like you love your parents, but you can treat them like friends and not feel bad about it. They are also the few people in your life that it is acceptable to get physically violent with. I guess it's also kind of cool when the older ones look out for you and the younger ones look up to you, but that's just pansy shit.

Working in the "Food Industry"


This is the worst type of job someone can have. No matter the position. Let me tell you why. Customers(you) are demanding, lazy, particular assholes. You don't send food back if it's raw, you send food back if there's too much cheese, or too little cheese. You send food back if it "doesn't look like the picture" and you ask for way too many sides of honey mustard. This turns your server into a raging bitch. Not only does she have to deal with your annoying ass, she has like four other tables pulling the same bullshit. She thinks it's a good idea to yell and take it out on the line cooks. WRONG. Line cooks are the OZ to the Emerald City that you're eating at. You don't see them, but they are all powerful. Do not fuck with them. But your server still will. Little does she realize that although she has to serve a whopping five tables, line cooks have to make food for the entire restaurant at once, so they could give two shits if some bitch customer likes their Caesar salad. This is the type of thing that leads to your food being dropped on the floor, microwaved, rinsed with water, etc. Line cooks know that without them, no one would be making money. So then being a line cook can't be that bad, you say? WRONG. Line cooks hate each other. They are always trying to pawn their duties off on other cooks (really, how hard is it to deep fry some chicken fingers?) or they do their job half assed and the other have to pick up their slack. Also, the pay is shitty. Fuck. That.



Man-Boys


Have you ever met a dude that is just mind-blowingly stupid? Not necessarily lacking intelligence, but lacking common sense and the ability to mature. These are man-boys. They lack the responsibility and integrity to get their shit together and take care of anything, yet they have the ability to drink, have pubic hairs, and some even look like real, grown men. Do not be fooled. They will run away from their problems. They will continue living their lives as if they are 21 forever. They will read this and think it's funny that someone is annoyed with the way they are, not realizing the joke is really on them. They are sad. They will never be happy. They will probably end up with herpes and a shitty job. They think that not having any attachments, sentiments, or genuine relationships is funny and just a sad fact of life. This is untrue. Note to these wastes: it is okay to be vulnerable, you're probably really fucked up because you had shitty parents or something, and fucking girls and getting drunk is not going to solve your problems. Take a shower. Get a job. You would be surprised little things like stability will bring in to your life. Have fun being poor and an idiot. Oh, and sweet Vans, faggot.


I don't love anything today. I'm just really fucking pissed off for some reason today. Sorry for being unfunny.

I hatez:
Group Mirror Pictures

Is it not bad enough that you're taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, much less with another person? This is one of those things that you would both be like "Man, that's so gay. We don't do that" but then do it and let it slide. And when you're making your stupid faces that you think make you look cute, your friend should really be telling you that you look dumb, but instead she's focusing on making her own stupid faces to put up on MySpace to fish for compliments with. I don't really know how to describe it, but you both know it's not something you should be doing, yet you let the other persons doing it give you permission. Note:they are doing the same thing. MySpace is what ruined the world, man.

Going Green

I don't necessarily hate the idea of doing your part to help save the environment, although I will keep driving SUV's and throwing away my trash like normal. Let's just get into it: I don't care if you drive a hybrid to Forever 21 to pick out clothes that we made by under payed kids in a different country. I also don't think that you using a canvas bag that has the recycle symbol on it really does anything to save the environment, but hey, I could be wrong. I just think it's bullshit that people use it as an excuse to be hip. Riding bikes is cool, so you're going to ride a bike and blame it on being "green". Shut the fuck up. You want a cause? Go to your downtown and help out some poor people, go donate blood, go volunteer to hang out with sick kids. People are disgusting these days. Am I the only one that sees it? Ahhhh, fuck it. Whatever.

Velour Jumpsuits

These things are disgusting. And have you ever noticed that it's never svelte, cute girls that wear them, it's bitches that probably wear them because they can't find normal pants that fit, and they think it's cute to show their cellulite and look like Anna Nicole Smith. Gross. Gross. Gross. Also, if you're so dumb that you would pay upwards of $150 for some goddamn sweatpants, then you deserve to be raped by Juicy Couture and look like a moron.


My only lovez for the day is

Jordin Sparks

I love her mainly because she's gigantic. She's like six feet tall and just huge, yet still adorably lovely. And look at that smile! I'd pay serious money for that yapper. She also has this single called "Battlefield" out right now, and I've been in one of those moods where I'm only listening to the radio, I can't get it out of my head. I absolutely love it. I totally just lost my train of thought because I was looking at a picture of her, and Christ she's gorgeous. I don't remember any thing else I was going to write because I was just hypnotized by her teeth. Sorry.

I hatez
Disney "Stars"

It's just such bullshit. They're cute little girls and all, but they suck at everything they do. They're not good actresses, and NONE of them can sing. But mainly, I hate them because I'm jealous. When I was fifteen, I just wanted to wear really expensive clothes and not go to school. And I wanted to be loaded for the rest of my life. Then, when I hit seventeen, I wanted to get fucked up all the time and dress like a whore. Man, these kids are livin' the life. Is there a God? Why does he hate me? I'll wear glitter and hair extensions. Disney doesn't like people past 17, you say? Fuck you, Disney. Fuck you really hard.

Sour Candy

Fuck. This. You'll probably disagree with me because sour candy probably reminds you of when you were young and stupid and liked the pain this shit causes, but I wasn't a moron like you. I do not like that it squeezes my jaws and hurts, I don't like that it gives you those little bumps in your mouth, and I don't like that it makes my teeth all squeaky and gross. 'Nuff said.

Lastly,
SONIC


can eat a dick.


I LOVEZ:

John motherfucking Mayer

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now, don't take that as I find him attractive. I don't. I actually think he looks sort of trollish or something. But, I would still have his children. He is sexy. And I don't really say that because it sounds pretty gay, but it's true in his case. Also, he's smart, funny, and he's like, insightful and caring and deep. Or at least that's how I paint him in my mind? I have yet to experience John Mayer live, because one of two things would happen: I would either literally secrete my pants off and/or get arrested for sexual molestation. Not many people have this effect on me, so I'll admit the shit when it happens.

Kittens

What is there to say really? I luz them. They cute. And because of lolCats, when I see them I only want to speak in internet lingo, and that's just funny.

Hm. Today I hatez:


White Trash Thug Kids

Man, I hate these kinds of kids. When I was in middle school, I rode the bus with a bunch of them for some God awful reason. We called them "River Rats" because they were all dirty and lived by a river (living on the water typically is a sign of wealth, unless the only time you live on the water is when your trailer park floods, which was the case). Anyway, they all used to talk about giving blow jobs and shit, and I'm like, "Geez, we're in 7th grade." Needless to say, if I give you the rider list for bus 2467, you'll find that all of them have been arrested several times and/or have at least 3 kids. This is my biggest problem: they keep procreating and starting this cycle of shit. It pisses me off. I don't want my kids near these kinds of people. I have a plan to eliminate them. Throw all Roca-Wear, Fubu, and wife beaters off a bridge, and watch them all follow.

I also hatez
Glam Rock Idiots

I mostly encounter these kids in Atlanta for some reason. Why do they think it's cool to look like the New York Dolls? Why do they think it's cool to wear leather and leopard print whilst having dicks? Someone please clue me in.

Hot Dudes With Weird Flaws

This is such a bummer. Maybe I'm too anal or have high standards, but fuck. I just can't think a dude is hot when there's something really distracting like a huge mole or long nose hairs. I'm not even talking about rotting teeth or missing limbs (which I have dated...). That shit, you know what you're getting into. The worst is when you're like, "Damnnnnnn. Sons FOINE. Bagged a babe. Why is he single? Let me make out with him." And then you rub your finger over a big mole or see a weird birthmark or ugh, I don't want to keep going. I'll vomit.


I lovez
Reynold

He died. I miss him. Goddamn, he was beautiful.


My Best Friends

Mainly, I just love them because they're both really, really attractive and I pretty much only like to associate with attractive people. I also love them because they're fun. Like, idiotically silly. And they're really good looking. Let me know if you want the digits. And I'll probably tell you no because you're probably ugly.

Lititz, Pennsylvania

Lastly, I love Lititz, Pennsylvania. It is the most perfect place on Earth. Let me count the ways:
1. Best. Grass. Ever. Seriously, napping like there's no tomorrow.
2. Great weather. Adds to the glorious napping.
3. The whole town smells like chocolate. No shit. There's this old chocolate factory located right in the center of the town, which is like 4 square miles, so the whole thing just smells wonderful all the time.
4. Fireflies.
5. It has the most wonderful Fourth of July celebration ever to exist (and it's also the longest, consistant one in the history of the United States!). It's ridiculously cute and perfect. People dancing, kids with Sparklers. Parades, hot dogs, Miss Lititz Pageant. Imagine the American Dream of Fourth of July's and this kicks it's ass times about 5,000.
That's all I've got really. It's not something you can describe. You just have to go. Oh, but if you do, don't mind all the horse shit and corn, blame the Amish.