Betcha didn't know...

Today is Sunday, God's day, so I'll be pleasant. I think I will do a few lovez.

(Barking Mad should let me win their Twilight pack!)

First, I lovez Werther's Original hard candy.


This shit is like crack. And they are creamy and delicious and cheap. I don't have much else to say except you probably forgot about them since you quit hanging out with your grandpa, but bring it back. You don't know what you're missing.

Next lovez.

Granny Pantiez

Okay, it does feel pretty awesome when you wear really hot bras and panties when you're getting ready to do it. You know you look good, it's exciting, whatever. But, it's also sort of uncomfortable, you're worrying about if you look fat, you have to shave your legs, etc. Not with granny underwear. I have previously been ashamed of my large collection, but no more! I have a feeling that if you go ask any woman what the most comfortable thing they can wear is, they won't say a thong or lace. They also may not say gigantic, cotton, saggy-assed mom underwear, but they should. Go put a pair on, don't wear a bra and lay in your bed. Also, take off your eye make up so you can actually rub them when they itch and then tell me it's not sort of like being in heaven.

Lovez dirt track racing


You probably have no idea what dirt track racing is, so let me break it down for you: people (more often than not, insane hicks) build stock cars (stock cars are not like cars you drive on the street). They take said cars and go to what could be considered white trash Eden, a dirt track. During these races, all sorts of glorious things take place such as crashes, flips, fires, injuries, fights, extreme intoxication, yelling, being hit in the face with dirt and a little bit of racing. These activities may not interest you because you a)are not a boy or b) are not as awesome as I am, but let me tell you some things that may interest you. The food. They have pretty much carnival food and it is pretty much the greatest thing in the world (I'd like to take a moment and give a shout out to corn dogs. Love you, boo) funnel cakes, boiled peanuts, the whole shebang. Cheap beer. Girl fights. It is hilarious. And last but not least, the patrons of this beautiful sport are really something you won't see anywhere else. To put things in perspective, dirt track racing is a bit of a step down from NASCAR, so use your imagination. Or don't and look at these pictures:


Imagine these beauties participating in the intricate art of flirting, while covered in dirt after a few too many Miller Lites. And then a car crash followed by a 20 person brawl. Yes, you can come with me next time I go.

I hatez:

Katy Perry

Good. Lord. Where do I start? She is becoming my new Madonna. I just hate everything about her. Perhaps a good jumping off point would be to quote Ms. Perry herself, "You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal. You're so skinny you should really super size the deal...You're so gay and you don't even like boys". Now all of her awards make sense! With cunning, intelligent writing capabilities like that, maybe she's in the wrong form of entertainment. Maybe she should start writing books. You know what else she should do? Stop dressing like a fucking moron. I mean really, everyone gets it Katy. You don't care! You're just here to make "Rock n' Roll"! You're hip and silly and edgy and original. Hoorah. Do you also know you're annoying, look stupid, not good at making music and quite possibly everything that's wrong with the world? On top of just dressing stupid, everything Katy Perry does is stupid. From performing on gigantic tubes of Chapstick to having cake fights on stage and then busting ass. It is all annoying and I wish she would stop. Stop ruining music. Stop thinking she's cool. Stop thinking she looks like Zooey Deschanel (Zooey is way hotter and better in every way). I'm almost inclined to say stop living, but I'm not really in a bad mood today. Also, while we're making changes here, Katy, maybe try wearing a pair of pants every once in a while? Have you ever worn jeans and a Tshirt? It really is glorious, all of us normal "not ttly aw3$some bitchez" do it, so it won't hurt you. Just, you know, think about it. My final complaint about Katy Perry isn't so much directly related to her as it is her actions:


KATY, PLEASE STOP HANGING OUT WITH PEREZ HILTON AND LADY GAGA.
I couldn't find any evidence of the three of you hanging out together but that explains the world still existing, as I imagine this much stupidity and (let's face it) pure sugar-coated evil would bring on the Apocalypse. I will point my finger at you for the current global economic crisis due to, probably, just these single instances pictured above. So, my girl kissing, flamboyantly dressed enemy, I'm begging you to stop(existing for eternity).


Today something happened that has never happened to me before: I don't know if I lovez or hatez Lily Allen.

While on one hand, Lily Allen seems to be pretty funny and doesn't take herself seriously, because well, she doesn't make that great of music and she's sort of tool-ish, so I appreciate her being honest with herself. She, too, dislikes Katy Perry and likes to get her drank on, which I also appreciate. On the other hand, she thinks she is fantastic and is sort of a bitch. I really like that she doesn't like Perez Hilton, but on the flip side, I think a majority of what he says about her is funny and true and really seems to get her panties in a wad, thus canceling my prior judgments of her not taking herself to seriously. Ugh! I also hate that she always goes to the beach topless. I understand that you're from Europe and that's cool there, but people take pictures of you and criticize you and then you whine about them calling you fat. Don't be such a moron. Also, I don't think you have nice enough boobs to go flopping them around everywhere, just sayin'. Long story short, I live in a world of black and white and Lily Allen is gray matter, so please help me decide so I don't lose any sleep over this (but I really won't because I'm not that sad...and I have booze).


My lovez for the day is
Chick Fil A

I lovezzzzzzz Chick Fil A. It is the greatest food ever made and nothing will ever top it. I know they don't have them everywhere, so if you live in one of these non-Chick Fil A areas, I am going to give you great advice and tell you to move. Aside from being the most tasteful sensation my tongue has ever had, I like Chick Fil A because it's one of those fast foods that don't make me feel all fat and gross after I eat it. Most likely because it's made from angel tears and magic chickens, probably. If you ever want to take me on a date, this is a safe bet and since I was about fifteen I decided Chick Fil A is going to cater my wedding. So this could be more of an obsession than a love, but WHATEVA! They have funny commercials and advertising which is also a good way to get on my good side (Geico Gecko, what's up!? Love you.) and I know you might think that I hate that they're closed on Sundays, but I don't even care. I think of it as them doing their part to not let me over indulge myself, because after all, where would I be if I ate Chick Fil A SEVEN days a week? Good looking out, Jesus.

Sometimes I get funny while I'm drunk.

Dear Match.com,
Please stop "matching" me with the ugliest dudes on the face of the earth. Specifically noting "Rabidbassist". I have previously denied him on several occasions. I would surely pay for your services (which I'm sure you can see that I currently do not), but the only people you seem to be showing me are every day trolls. Why would I take interest in this type of person? Surely anyone that holds themselves in a generally high regard would find these "suitors" laughable. I guess I'll get to the point and either ask you to please make men in the Tampa Bay area more attractive (both physically and intellectually), which you and I both know isn't possible because I think I'm correct in assuming you aren't God? or please stop wasting my time and actually pay attention to the details that I so truthfully told you, and stop telling me my "matches" are ugly idiots.

Drunkenly and disappointedly yours,
Jennifer L. Norris



This will probably be either A) deleted when I sober up and realize it is unrelated to this blog or B) turn into a hatez directed at Match.com. Who knows?!


Edit: I decided to leave it primarily because I was what some may describe as "totally shitfaced" when I wrote it and I am impressed with how much it makes sense and has no errors in spelling or grammar. It is often difficult for me to speak clearly when drunk, let alone write an e-mail complaint.

I will make a note that Match.com, being the sons of bitches that they are, couldn't even take the time to have one of their minions write me a response. Ohh, no. They had to send me an automatic response letter detailing the search features of their site. They are either the funniest or most half-assed people on the planet. Either way, this will be war.

Possibly because of PMS or just because I am who I am, I find myself in an irate mood and I will take it out on:

Techno

God, I hate techno music and all that comes along with it. The music is just terrible. How hard is it to take a ten second clip of music and repeat it to the point of it becoming mind numbing? I do believe mind numbing and a solid thrusting beat are the only reasons this music was created, thus providing the patrons of this genre a reason to "totally wig out" and rub Vicks Vaporub on eachother. If you're not familiar with this "music", turn on your popular radio station on a Friday night and see what comes on. Yes, that annoying high-pitched repetitive bullshit IS considered music, but don't let it get you down if you're not hip to the jive. The people that consider it music typically like to do ecstasy, have facial piercings, and still wear Jnco jeans while sucking on pacifiers. I once dated a dude who did ecstasy on more than one occasion and he said it "was all the love he could ever want to feel". What a pussy. (He turned out to be psychotic.) Neon colors, same sex rubbing, sex in public, strobe lights, neon dreads, and platform shoes are all, as far as I am concerned, to be blamed on techno music. Those things alone are enough to make me want to break every set of turn tables in the world, even if it means I'll never be able to hear my favorite Salt n Peppa jams fuse into Sir Mix A Lot. It's a small price to pay, as far as I'm concerned.


I was going to write about how much I hatez Katy Perry next, but I fear my anger has taken it's toll and I don't have the energy to truly describe how much I loathe that bitch. Instead, I'll keep it short and do a lovez about:

Saint Bernards

I want 9,234,876 of these to let crawl all over my face. When they're puppies, of course. Have you ever seen Beethoven? These big, clumsy bastards are the cutest things in the world. I would almost be happier if a slimy little St. Bernard came out of me instead of a kid. Seriously, can't you just imagine laying in a big king size bed with one of these to cuddle up to? I could possibly turn into a crazy St. Bernard lady and never get married. One Saint Bernard wearing a mini beer keg? YES, PLZ!