I thought about turning this blog into a one where I just post pictures of Robert Pattinson and plan our life together (wedding decor, photoshopping our faces onto babies, etc.) but I think I'd rather save those thoughts and ideas for when we really do get married. Instead, I'll post some lovez and hatez as usual. Today I lovez:

Getting hit on

There is no sarcasm involved in this. I genuinely love getting hit on. I like the whole part where someone is telling you they find you attractive, that's always nice and everyone enjoys that. Why I really love getting hit on though, is a bit backwards, some would say, but it's because I love the shit you hear from people. Sincerely. Here's a little story. This weekend I went to a bar/club/retard meet-up, and got pretty drunk. In the middle of my good time, some dudes came up and somehow we started talking(probably because I think I am even more awesome when I'm drunk and talk to whoever I want and think they should feel priveleged to talk to me). One thing led to another and one of my friends ended up telling the dudes that it cost $20 to have sex with me. This led the dude to ask me for a hug. What the fuck? What an idiot. Anyway, I told him it was $40 for a hug and the dude said he had no money and proceeded to pull his shirt up and show me his "sweet abs". This is not a lie. And he was serious. I then laughed and told him it was the absolute gayest thing I'd ever seen, but that's a lie. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. It sort of goes into this societal projection of dating and men and women and all that, but this mother fucker really thought I would give him a hug for showing me his stomach. It was absolutely hilarious and ridiculous and fantastic. I'm not trying to sound like a bad-ass or a bitch, nor am I one of those clueless morons who thinks the dude was probably kidding and "had me", I'm merely trying to say, in summation, that I love getting hit on because dudes turn into pathetic, approval seeking monsters when they are on the prowel and it is really funny. (Note:that was kind of bitchy. Whatever. Also, if you're trying to hit on a girl, don't do any of the above mentioned. Do,however, talk to a girl as usual and you probably won't end up with someone vapid or slutty. You're welcome for the advice)

Next I lovez:

Pontoon Boats

I love pontoon boats because they just scream party time. Seriously. When you look at them can't you just imagine it full of bathing suit clad beautiful people chugging beers and listening to radio rap? Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I secretly wish I was a "bro-ho" but was never skinny(or stupid) enough? FTW. I'm dieting and saving money for one of these bitches.

My last lovez is:
Creating really awesome MSPaint art

So, people really like to put albums up on their MySpaces showing of their awesome drawings of falcons or tribal tattoos, or put up paintings they did of them and their friends that look like they were made by five year olds, and to me, this is crap. What I do is real art. One day I'll have a MySpace album dedicated to my craft, but I need some new pictures. Leave comments of your pictures and maybe I'll put you in some. Also, that picture above is not my art, that's my friend Chelsea, she's just my inspiration.


I couldn't really think of any hatez today, so I'll just do some easy ones:

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

This shit is disgusting. It tastes like someone poured a shitload of salt into uncooked noodles and then put chewed up chicken in it. I didn't like it as a kid and I don't like it now, and if my kids like it, they'll be shit out of luck.


Teenaged Girls in Mass

I hatez them because when I try to watch Robert Pattinson interviews on YouTube, they just scream the whole time and I can't hear anything. They also will probably ruin my chances of sparking our love affair because he might confuse me for one of them even though I am totally sane and not pathetic... Anyway, they tend to turn into this big blob of loud and stupid. Come on ladies, have some dignity. How could you go that crazy and get that obsessed over someone you don't even know. Sad, sad, sad. (Robert Pattinson and I actually have a connection...so whatever)

Lastly, I fucking hatez
Acai Berry Edge

I have never actually taken this product, nor do I want to, I hate it because it is the product the company that I work for "sells". I use the term loosely because they don't sell it, they capitalize on fat internet nerds by way of pop-ups, telling them it will make them lose weight. It doesn't make you lose weight, it makes you shit. And the free* trial you signed up for? It's not free. It's $79.90. And no, I can't give it back to you. Maybe you should have stopped being so stupid and read the terms and conditions before you put in your credit card information. Don't tell me you feel bad for me or that I should evaluate my life if I'm working for "a company full of scam artists" because I am not dumb enough to get caught up in something like this. You, sirs and ma'ams, should pull the food out from in front of your face and read, and maybe take some of the fat out of your fucking head and realize I just answer the phone and can't solve your problems. I mean really, if you've made it long enough in life to get a credit card and you're still this idiotic, there is no saving you.

So I'm poor, and all of my friends went out to have beers last night and since I had no money, I sat home.Since I had some free time and I am a big fan of watching movies on the internet, I did so and it brought me my first lovez for the day:

Twilight

I get that this movie is for fourteen year old girls, but this doesn't stop me from loving it. I happen to love movies made for the teenage demographic. They make me feel at ease and like the world doesn't suck. Anyway, in retrospect there wasn't really anything phenomenal about it, but it was somehow captivating. That Kristen Stewart girl is oddly annoying. She is sort of like Neve Campbell in the sense that you can never tell if she's crying or just, I don't know, being herself? I remember her in Lifetime movies way back(secret lovez of mine), and for some reason I feel like I've met her before.Weird. Okay, I'm not going to dance around the subject anymore: everyone knows that they like this movie because of Robert Pattinson AKA Edward Cullen. He has this intensity in the movie towards Kristen Stewart's character that will make any girl swoon. No joke. It's sort of crazy how much I wanted to be bitten by a vampire while watching this movie. He probably is a douche bag in real life, but he's still gorgeous and rich and British. I'm going to go buy the second book now. Except I will be Bella in my mind.
Also, here's this just for women's sake:


Ohhh dip. Boy is FINEEE.


My next lovez for the day is

Smoking

I lovez smoking. I hate people that whine about it. I also wonder what people that don't smoke do with themselves. I want to talk to someone? Let's have a cigarette. I'm drinking? Let's have a smoke. I'm driving in the car? Mmm, a cigarette sounds nice. And what do you do non-smokers? Do you simply talk to people and have nothing else to do while you talk? Do you only put alcohol in your body and deprive alcohol of it's most obvious partner nicotine? And do you just drive your car? Pfffft. That's pathetic. Bring on the cancer talk. Whatever. I mean, I don't want it or anything, but I enjoy smoking. I hate how it's made out to be this disgusting habit and I feel looked down upon sometimes for smoking. Go judge a pedophile, asshole.

My only hatez for the day is "bringin' it back".

I hatez when people say they're bringing stuff back. If you just DO it, it's not so bad. "Dude, you's DA BOMB! Haha, yeah, I said DA BOMB. I'm bringin' it back, man." Don't do this. If you coin a phrase, great for you. But most of these phrases were left because they're totally stupid. Here's a list of what you should not try to bring back:
1.Da bomb
2.Forshizzle
3.Crack-alackin
4.Built like a brick shit house
5.Grody
6.Hella
7.Blang blang
8. Raise the roof

Really, I could go on for days. And if you do happen to have a soft spot in your heart for a shitty saying like these, casually just slip them in to your conversation, don't make a note that you are saying stupid things (It makes you look stupid).


(This post is for Charlie.)

So it's 12:30 in the afternoon and I've already been all over God's green earth (normally I don't wake up until now) and since I've been amongst the general population, I am, naturally, angry. Today I hatez:

Fashion

I hate fashion because, contrary to what Meryl Streep says in The Devil Wears Prada, it is pointless. Designers really put months and months of work into that crap just to have maybe ten minutes worth of show on a runway. Is it a sick burn when they go out into the real world and see people wearing UGG's and velour jumpsuits? Or jeans and Tshirts? Do they feel like their lives are a big waste and only rich people who are vapid and clueless and self-indulgent keep them afloat? Well, they should. I also think it is everything that is wrong with the world. I couldn't wear these clothes, I'm a size 12, and I hate clubs that exclude me, therefore, I hate fashion. Stop making me feel fat, fashion models. I hate how ridiculous everything looks, and don't pull that it's art bullshit. Pretty soon I'm going to start crapping in the street and saying, "Oh, but it's art, mannnn." It's silly dressing this way and a good rule of thumb is if you won't go to lunch with your parents in it, you probably shouldn't wear it. And I don't know about your parents, but if I showed up to Cracker Barrel in one of those stupid hats up there, my mom would tell me I look like a moron and that I couldn't sit with them. Once again, jeans and a Tshirt will always prevail.

Next, I hatez traffic.

God, do I loathe sitting in traffic. Not really because it's monotonous and boring and keeps me from getting where I want to be when I want to be there. No, I can deal with that. I hate it because I always get stuck next to either a) some creepy, leather-faced dude who insists on smiling and winking and waving at me every time we move five feet or b) some "gangsta" who thinks that making MY rearview mirrors rattle means his music is good. Here is what I have to say to them:
Dear sir with a leather face, what do you want me to do? Would you like for me to get out of my car have sex with you right here in the middle of the road? Do you want me to wink and wave back to boost your self-esteem? And really, do you even want a woman who you "got" by being suggestive during traffic? Actually, I take that last one back. You would probably settle for any woman under 350 with more than 50% of her teeth. Gross.
And dear sir with da bangin' system, I do not like your music. I appreciate you trying to share it with me, but I'm most likely trying to listen to Mariah Carey or something and don't need the help. Also, having your music on that loud and all those vibrations cannot be healthy. Don't you want to have baby-gangstas one day? Use your brain, dawg.

Hating you both for ruining my commute,
Jennifer Norris.
PS-
Homeboy, lean your seat up, you should be able to see over your hood and they really did design those seats to sit that way for a reason.


My last hatez, is, well, a bit personal. And I really try to leave out personal information about myself because this blog is just supposed to be funny and entertaining, but I really can't resist this one:

Chris Jordan

Yeah, he is hot isn't he? Brace yourself now, because I am going to launch into one of those girls rants. I hate Chris Jordan because he hurt my feelings and, for a long time, I hated him because he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. What a jerk! I am awesome, obviously. I also hate him because he does that thing (which I'm not sure if all dudes do this because I don't really date) where he does something crazy and then you react to it as any normal person would, and he flips it around and makes YOU feel like the crazy one. Yeah, Chris Jordan invented that. I also hate Chris Jordan because he makes me feel weird about him now. Like, why can't we still be somewhat friends? Why you gots ta be such a weiner? NBD, I guess. I don't really know where this thing came from, but, isn't every girl allowed to hate her ex-boyfriend? Alright, cool. If not, suck it.

My only lovez for the day is

Deviled Eggs
I'm sure at this point you've probably made your own judgments about me. But, I do like things other than TV, food, and hating celebrities. I like to drink, be funny, and probably other stuff. This lovez just so happens to fit into my regular taste, but why fix it if it ain't broken? Deviled eggs are a staple on any holiday at my house. I also must tell you that I only like my mom's, so if you're thinking about making me some, don't. I most likely won't like them. Also, if you're one of those that puts paprika or cayenne pepper on top of your deviled eggs, do the word a favor and never cook again.

Ugh today I'm pretty bleh. So you get what you get.

I lovez:

Whose Line Is It Anyway

I like this show a lot. It's silly and boy that Wayne Brady can carry a tune. I think Colin is my favorite, and I secretly always have loved Drew Carey(Remember Mimi from the Drew Carey Show? I wanted to be her...for some reason.) I'm pretty sure it only comes on ABC Family at like, midnight, so if you can pry yourself away from Adult Swim, check it out for a good giggle.

This guy

I don't really know why I love it. I actually think these commercials are really fucking stupid. Like, why are there all these people talking about a pile of money and not taking it? It doesn't have arms or legs, so it is rendered defenseless, so stop giving it weird looks and shove it in your pocket, idiot. Back to "this guy", I think it somehow seems quite loveable. Perhaps it is because I'm poor and it's a pile of money, or perhaps it has something to do with everyones love for those googley craft eyes. I don't really know. I do know that if you happen to have this guy following you and it haunts you like the other idiots in the commercials, give me a call and I'll take care of it for you.

I fucking hatez periods.

I don't hate the actual period, it sort of just does it's thing and I can't really control it. What I hate is that for a good week out of every month of my fucking life, I feel totally insane and angry and sad and just like a real bitch. And to make it worse, you don't notice that you're feeling this way, you just think you're going crazy and that it will never stop. How un-fucking-fair that I was born a female and have to deal with this bullshit. Oh, I have the gift of carrying children you say? Big whoop. Dudes don't have to deal with anything, nor do they have to wear make-up. I'd take the pain of getting hit in the balls every once in a while to not have to deal with cramps, being crazy and shoving a 10 pound person through my vagina. God, dudes suck so bad. (I am PMS-ing.)

So, last night I took a night off from my wild party animal ways and stayed in. While flipping through what could possibly be the worst selection of things to watch that I have ever encountered, I came upon one of those "Locked Up" shows about prisons. It was about Iowa State Penitentiary. Thus coming up with today's first hatez:

Iowa

Iowa is one of those places where you're just like, "What the fuck? Why do you exist?". And that's one of the reasons I don't like it. Look at that map. Does any of that look familiar? No. Because everyone knows Iowa sucks and they'll never go there, so why waste time learning about it's stupid cities? And really, you have just as many resources as every other state but other states actually do something other than suck. Start a vegetable, get a good sports team, something. I think that if I won a free trip to Iowa, I wouldn't even go.
I didn't know too much about this huge shithole, so I took the liberty of Wikipedia-ing it, and still found no reasons to lessen the hate. Wikipedia did, however, give me more reasons to hate Iowa. For example, Iowa decided to start a war with me back in the late seventies by letting Ashton Kutcher (aka: incomparable douche bag) be birthed there. What Iowa should have done was create a sink hole and swallow Ashton's mom before she had a chance to pop out something that universe would regret creating. Way to go, Iowa. This big stupid state also was the meeting ground for Slipknot. Yeah, those funk metal idiots who wear masks and created a whole cult following of fat socially awkward teen aged boys.
Iowa, why aren't you our great nation's capital? Oh yeah, you suck. Why are we wasting money putting a fence in at the Mexican border instead of around you? They at least have good food.


My lovez for the day is

Chicken Wings

There isn't a whole lot to say about chicken wings except they are delicious and I would eat them every day if I could. My record is 17. I am awesome. Go buy me some.