1229

I fucking hatez

Buffets

Maybe I don't actually hate everything about buffets. I like having different varieties of food. And I don't hate all buffets (Have you ever been on a cruise and been to one of those midnight chocolate buffets? Shit Sonnn!), I basically just hate the disgusting ones that normal people are allowed at. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself that I feel the need to go to a restaurant where I am going to eat more than one plate, I see some big fat lady in front of me in line for the macaroni and cheese and can't help but think it will one day be me. That sucks. Just in general all the people at buffets are hugely fat. Being fat is whatever. This was me in third grade:

The difference is that I knew I was fat and if I ever went to a buffet, I'd only eat salad and then take fried food home so people thought I had a thyroid problem or something. It seems like fat people at buffets are shameless. I also hate that people let their fucking kids run around and be loud. Put them on a leash or something. I don't want their booger-picking fingers touching my french fries, for Christ's sake. My last logical point is that when food is being made in mass quantities, it just can't be well made. And most buffets are like $15, so I'm not going to let Golden Corral fuck me out of my money for dog food. I ain't no sucka!


I also hatez
"The Mac Community"

I don't own a Mac. I want to own a Mac. Just because they have built in cameras, really. Anyway, Apple has just started some sort of hipster cult with this bullshit.
Their advertising department really deserves some credit with they way they made Mac users seem so cool and attractive and hip like Justin Long and the rest of the world fat, middle-aged balding men. Genius. How wonderful is it that you can go to forums and talk to other people about what kind of computer you have. I always wondered if I was missing something about Macs that got them all this hoopla, but I am just not getting it. Do they even have solitare? Can someone please tell me? I've really been slacking lately on being hip and trendy, some would even say I'm not cool, but I really think investing in a Mac would help. Also, where exactly IS the Mac Community? (Dad joke? Check.) I don't really care about the actual computer battle of Mac VS PC, as long as I can read shitty blogs and look at pictures of myself I'm cool, but seriously, Mac Community? Come on.


Today I lovez:
The iPhone

What? It's a sweet phone. The Super Phone, if you will. I don't feel like it makes me part of any club except the "I Have Fingers Too Fat for My Phone" club, and that's not a glamorous one.

Hatez:
Dudes

What female doesn't hate dudes a majority of their life? I certainly don't mean that I like women in any sort of romantic way (and BELIEVE me, sometimes I wish I did since men are such shitty creatures, but vaginas just aren't attractive to me and women are a whole different ball game of crazy, so I shall continue my quest for a decent male, despite my feelings about to be explained). I hate them for a few simple reasons.
1. They are not ever what you think. Part of this is our fault. We have some idea of what we want in a male and twist small actions and words to have different meanings, and we project our ideal male on to anyone we want, hoping it'll actually come true. Wrong. Side note: I hate being wrong thus giving me yet another strike against dick-having humans. Men are good at fooling you. In the beginning you think what they do is out of nervousness, them trying to impress you, etc., because you cannot fathom someone being that stupid or so shitty. Wrong again. Even when you've been with someone a long time, they get comfortable and everything you thought you figured out goes right out the window. It's bullshit.
2.They think they're good at sex. Now, this is a topic I've thought about for a long time and my conclusion (and there are scientific studies that prove this point. Google it, mother fucker) is that when a woman is more emotionally attached to a man, intimacy is better. Since all men are idiots, I have never been emotionally attached. It's like math. But this is sort of my fault. What I hate is when they keep doing something and just because you don't want to hurt their fragile, little male egos, you pretend to like it. PRETEND. I would say the most joy most women get out of sex is laughing about it later. IDIOTS.
3. Men are stupid. Sure they're not as confusing as women, but they are just generally less intelligent. From the things they like to their transparent emotions to their primate-like thought processes. They're just dumb.
Some day soon I'll play the other side of the coin and talk about how stupid and crazy women are, but today men can suck it.



The Lottery

I hate the lottery. It just teases me and gets me to think about all the wonderful things I would do. Like buy ten Saint Bernards and a VW thing and go to the beach all the time. I have literally sat down and tallied up the number frequency for the last six months hoping to get some sort of prize, but then I realized I am just stupid and that is completely pointless. I also hate the lottery because when I don't win, I get really mad and mean for a few days because for some reason I feel that my two dollars entitles me to win more than the other few million people playing. Have you noticed that I am a bit indignant and self righteous? Well, that's a stupid observation and you're wrong. LOLZ!




Lovez


The Office

I love The Office almost as much as I love my mother. I really love Dwight Schrute. For a long while, I almost cared more about Jim and Pam's relationship than any one I had going on in my life. It makes me laugh, I love to laugh. They did a great job casting, a great job writing, and bears, beats, Battle Star Galactica.


Siblings

I really love the dynamics of siblings relationships. You love them like you love your parents, but you can treat them like friends and not feel bad about it. They are also the few people in your life that it is acceptable to get physically violent with. I guess it's also kind of cool when the older ones look out for you and the younger ones look up to you, but that's just pansy shit.

Working in the "Food Industry"


This is the worst type of job someone can have. No matter the position. Let me tell you why. Customers(you) are demanding, lazy, particular assholes. You don't send food back if it's raw, you send food back if there's too much cheese, or too little cheese. You send food back if it "doesn't look like the picture" and you ask for way too many sides of honey mustard. This turns your server into a raging bitch. Not only does she have to deal with your annoying ass, she has like four other tables pulling the same bullshit. She thinks it's a good idea to yell and take it out on the line cooks. WRONG. Line cooks are the OZ to the Emerald City that you're eating at. You don't see them, but they are all powerful. Do not fuck with them. But your server still will. Little does she realize that although she has to serve a whopping five tables, line cooks have to make food for the entire restaurant at once, so they could give two shits if some bitch customer likes their Caesar salad. This is the type of thing that leads to your food being dropped on the floor, microwaved, rinsed with water, etc. Line cooks know that without them, no one would be making money. So then being a line cook can't be that bad, you say? WRONG. Line cooks hate each other. They are always trying to pawn their duties off on other cooks (really, how hard is it to deep fry some chicken fingers?) or they do their job half assed and the other have to pick up their slack. Also, the pay is shitty. Fuck. That.



Man-Boys


Have you ever met a dude that is just mind-blowingly stupid? Not necessarily lacking intelligence, but lacking common sense and the ability to mature. These are man-boys. They lack the responsibility and integrity to get their shit together and take care of anything, yet they have the ability to drink, have pubic hairs, and some even look like real, grown men. Do not be fooled. They will run away from their problems. They will continue living their lives as if they are 21 forever. They will read this and think it's funny that someone is annoyed with the way they are, not realizing the joke is really on them. They are sad. They will never be happy. They will probably end up with herpes and a shitty job. They think that not having any attachments, sentiments, or genuine relationships is funny and just a sad fact of life. This is untrue. Note to these wastes: it is okay to be vulnerable, you're probably really fucked up because you had shitty parents or something, and fucking girls and getting drunk is not going to solve your problems. Take a shower. Get a job. You would be surprised little things like stability will bring in to your life. Have fun being poor and an idiot. Oh, and sweet Vans, faggot.


I don't love anything today. I'm just really fucking pissed off for some reason today. Sorry for being unfunny.

I hatez:
Group Mirror Pictures

Is it not bad enough that you're taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, much less with another person? This is one of those things that you would both be like "Man, that's so gay. We don't do that" but then do it and let it slide. And when you're making your stupid faces that you think make you look cute, your friend should really be telling you that you look dumb, but instead she's focusing on making her own stupid faces to put up on MySpace to fish for compliments with. I don't really know how to describe it, but you both know it's not something you should be doing, yet you let the other persons doing it give you permission. Note:they are doing the same thing. MySpace is what ruined the world, man.

Going Green

I don't necessarily hate the idea of doing your part to help save the environment, although I will keep driving SUV's and throwing away my trash like normal. Let's just get into it: I don't care if you drive a hybrid to Forever 21 to pick out clothes that we made by under payed kids in a different country. I also don't think that you using a canvas bag that has the recycle symbol on it really does anything to save the environment, but hey, I could be wrong. I just think it's bullshit that people use it as an excuse to be hip. Riding bikes is cool, so you're going to ride a bike and blame it on being "green". Shut the fuck up. You want a cause? Go to your downtown and help out some poor people, go donate blood, go volunteer to hang out with sick kids. People are disgusting these days. Am I the only one that sees it? Ahhhh, fuck it. Whatever.

Velour Jumpsuits

These things are disgusting. And have you ever noticed that it's never svelte, cute girls that wear them, it's bitches that probably wear them because they can't find normal pants that fit, and they think it's cute to show their cellulite and look like Anna Nicole Smith. Gross. Gross. Gross. Also, if you're so dumb that you would pay upwards of $150 for some goddamn sweatpants, then you deserve to be raped by Juicy Couture and look like a moron.


My only lovez for the day is

Jordin Sparks

I love her mainly because she's gigantic. She's like six feet tall and just huge, yet still adorably lovely. And look at that smile! I'd pay serious money for that yapper. She also has this single called "Battlefield" out right now, and I've been in one of those moods where I'm only listening to the radio, I can't get it out of my head. I absolutely love it. I totally just lost my train of thought because I was looking at a picture of her, and Christ she's gorgeous. I don't remember any thing else I was going to write because I was just hypnotized by her teeth. Sorry.

I hatez
Disney "Stars"

It's just such bullshit. They're cute little girls and all, but they suck at everything they do. They're not good actresses, and NONE of them can sing. But mainly, I hate them because I'm jealous. When I was fifteen, I just wanted to wear really expensive clothes and not go to school. And I wanted to be loaded for the rest of my life. Then, when I hit seventeen, I wanted to get fucked up all the time and dress like a whore. Man, these kids are livin' the life. Is there a God? Why does he hate me? I'll wear glitter and hair extensions. Disney doesn't like people past 17, you say? Fuck you, Disney. Fuck you really hard.

Sour Candy

Fuck. This. You'll probably disagree with me because sour candy probably reminds you of when you were young and stupid and liked the pain this shit causes, but I wasn't a moron like you. I do not like that it squeezes my jaws and hurts, I don't like that it gives you those little bumps in your mouth, and I don't like that it makes my teeth all squeaky and gross. 'Nuff said.

Lastly,
SONIC


can eat a dick.


I LOVEZ:

John motherfucking Mayer

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now, don't take that as I find him attractive. I don't. I actually think he looks sort of trollish or something. But, I would still have his children. He is sexy. And I don't really say that because it sounds pretty gay, but it's true in his case. Also, he's smart, funny, and he's like, insightful and caring and deep. Or at least that's how I paint him in my mind? I have yet to experience John Mayer live, because one of two things would happen: I would either literally secrete my pants off and/or get arrested for sexual molestation. Not many people have this effect on me, so I'll admit the shit when it happens.

Kittens

What is there to say really? I luz them. They cute. And because of lolCats, when I see them I only want to speak in internet lingo, and that's just funny.

Hm. Today I hatez:


White Trash Thug Kids

Man, I hate these kinds of kids. When I was in middle school, I rode the bus with a bunch of them for some God awful reason. We called them "River Rats" because they were all dirty and lived by a river (living on the water typically is a sign of wealth, unless the only time you live on the water is when your trailer park floods, which was the case). Anyway, they all used to talk about giving blow jobs and shit, and I'm like, "Geez, we're in 7th grade." Needless to say, if I give you the rider list for bus 2467, you'll find that all of them have been arrested several times and/or have at least 3 kids. This is my biggest problem: they keep procreating and starting this cycle of shit. It pisses me off. I don't want my kids near these kinds of people. I have a plan to eliminate them. Throw all Roca-Wear, Fubu, and wife beaters off a bridge, and watch them all follow.

I also hatez
Glam Rock Idiots

I mostly encounter these kids in Atlanta for some reason. Why do they think it's cool to look like the New York Dolls? Why do they think it's cool to wear leather and leopard print whilst having dicks? Someone please clue me in.

Hot Dudes With Weird Flaws

This is such a bummer. Maybe I'm too anal or have high standards, but fuck. I just can't think a dude is hot when there's something really distracting like a huge mole or long nose hairs. I'm not even talking about rotting teeth or missing limbs (which I have dated...). That shit, you know what you're getting into. The worst is when you're like, "Damnnnnnn. Sons FOINE. Bagged a babe. Why is he single? Let me make out with him." And then you rub your finger over a big mole or see a weird birthmark or ugh, I don't want to keep going. I'll vomit.


I lovez
Reynold

He died. I miss him. Goddamn, he was beautiful.


My Best Friends

Mainly, I just love them because they're both really, really attractive and I pretty much only like to associate with attractive people. I also love them because they're fun. Like, idiotically silly. And they're really good looking. Let me know if you want the digits. And I'll probably tell you no because you're probably ugly.

Lititz, Pennsylvania

Lastly, I love Lititz, Pennsylvania. It is the most perfect place on Earth. Let me count the ways:
1. Best. Grass. Ever. Seriously, napping like there's no tomorrow.
2. Great weather. Adds to the glorious napping.
3. The whole town smells like chocolate. No shit. There's this old chocolate factory located right in the center of the town, which is like 4 square miles, so the whole thing just smells wonderful all the time.
4. Fireflies.
5. It has the most wonderful Fourth of July celebration ever to exist (and it's also the longest, consistant one in the history of the United States!). It's ridiculously cute and perfect. People dancing, kids with Sparklers. Parades, hot dogs, Miss Lititz Pageant. Imagine the American Dream of Fourth of July's and this kicks it's ass times about 5,000.
That's all I've got really. It's not something you can describe. You just have to go. Oh, but if you do, don't mind all the horse shit and corn, blame the Amish.

Long time no see.

So, I've not written in a while, mainly because I'm tired of trying to get people to read it, and I do not bare fruits that will go uneaten.

BUT. Today, as I was taking a lovely leisurely mid afternoon bath, I had a sudden hatez. And here it is:

Feminists

Whilst in the bath tub, I glanced over at my Herbal Essences bottle and noticed a fun little trivia fact they put on the bottle. It read: "What do %80 of women do on Valentine's day? Answer: Send themselves flowers" And this conversation played in my head:

Unthinking Jen: Man, why are women so pathetic? Who would send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day?

Thinking Jen: Maybe some lonely, early thirties lady who wants people at her office to think she has a significant other, and uses a made up holiday to validate herself via leading people to believe she's in a relationship.

Unthinking Jen: But why does a woman need a man to validate her existence? That's a bunch of bullshit. Women need to stand up and be comfortable with who they are! We don't need no stinking men!

Thinking Jen: Oh. Fuck. I sound like a feminist.

I just think feminists are annoying. Do you deny the fact that women are obviously less strong than men so there are certain tasks they cannot do? Do you not think that women are better suited to take care of children considering the fact that they are the ones with a natural capability to feed them? Do you not think your time could be better spent fixing your hair or buying a nice, cute dress so you could maybe get a boyfriend? Sure, you don't want to be treated like shit just because you have a vagina, but why not spend your time preaching respect for all other human beings, as it would include you? And let's be honest, people that are as self-righteous as feminists never accomplish anything anyway, so someone tell them to shave their legs already.


My next hatez is

Dirty, Scummy Dudes

Okay, I get it. Life's a garden, dig it! One life to live! Whatever. I actually condone everyone going through that "Fuck everything I'll do what I want and look disgusting phase"...to a point. When you're like, 35, give it up. When it's been over a week since you've washed your hair/taken a shower/shaved, give it up. When, once again, you wouldn't go out to dinner with your parents, GIVE IT UP. To these man-boys, have you ever noticed the quality of female looking like this attracts? News flash, it's not that all women suck or are idiots (although a lot of them are terrible), it could potentially be the fact that you look totally and completely disgusting and your life is a mess. Really unattractive. And even the most "down" girl ever can think you're cool to talk to, but I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't give you the time of day in the way of the sack. Just quit being gross. Really. Please. You look stupid.


My only lovez for the day is

My Mom

Obviously, I like her because she gave birth to me, and call me crazy, but I think that's a pretty nice gift. Also, she's really, really fucking cool. Cooler than your mom, I guarantee it. I have more fun hanging out with he than any of my friends. You could potentially think I have shitty friends or that this fact is sad, but, whatever, fuck you. She's just a cool lady, a cool person and, most important of all:

A TOTAL BABE!

Today I feel full of love.

Tiny things.

I don't actually like small things. In fact, I hate them. Kids, small fries, short people, they're just not enough. But I do, however, go pretty much apeshit over mini versions of normal sized things. I know I am not alone in this. Everyone loves to gawk at the travel size toiletries at Wal Mart. And those new small cans of soda? Completely useless, yet completely adorable. I would even go as far as to say that I only like living creatures when they're small. Babies are cute. I want millions, but only if I can give them away when they hit about four before they turn into bastards like the rest of humanity. Kittens? Oh god! Yay! Cats? Eh. I can't stress it enough though: there is a difference between small and mini, and small should just stay the hell away from me.

String Cheese

I fucking love string cheese. Only Sargento Low Fat though. I don't like cheese at all really, except on nachos and pizza, but this shit is like heroine. I literally have to stop myself from just shoving them all in my mouth at once. Not to avoid looking like an insane heffer, basically because they're too expensive to eat at the rate I would like to.

Booze

I should only be allowed to talk to other people when I'm drinking. When I am sober, I am not as funny, they are not as attractive, and I am (brace yourself) sort of bitchy. When I'm drinking, everyone is my best friend and they are good looking. It pretty much lets me live in my ideal world, lie or not. I also love it because it is really the only thing to do. I am too lazy to go be outdoorsy, and I hate moving quite a bit, but with booze, I am united with my peers and have a wonderful time without sweating or without wearing spandex (most of the time). I don't condone drinking and driving nor do I suggest being a drunken whore, but if you can maintain yourself as well as I can*, then by all means, let's get shit faced.



*This is a relative statement. Some would say I cannot handle alcohol. I would say they are stupid.


I need your help. I feel like my normal amount of hate is dwindling with every second. Remind me of stupid people or things. Don't let me lose who I am.

I thought about turning this blog into a one where I just post pictures of Robert Pattinson and plan our life together (wedding decor, photoshopping our faces onto babies, etc.) but I think I'd rather save those thoughts and ideas for when we really do get married. Instead, I'll post some lovez and hatez as usual. Today I lovez:

Getting hit on

There is no sarcasm involved in this. I genuinely love getting hit on. I like the whole part where someone is telling you they find you attractive, that's always nice and everyone enjoys that. Why I really love getting hit on though, is a bit backwards, some would say, but it's because I love the shit you hear from people. Sincerely. Here's a little story. This weekend I went to a bar/club/retard meet-up, and got pretty drunk. In the middle of my good time, some dudes came up and somehow we started talking(probably because I think I am even more awesome when I'm drunk and talk to whoever I want and think they should feel priveleged to talk to me). One thing led to another and one of my friends ended up telling the dudes that it cost $20 to have sex with me. This led the dude to ask me for a hug. What the fuck? What an idiot. Anyway, I told him it was $40 for a hug and the dude said he had no money and proceeded to pull his shirt up and show me his "sweet abs". This is not a lie. And he was serious. I then laughed and told him it was the absolute gayest thing I'd ever seen, but that's a lie. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. It sort of goes into this societal projection of dating and men and women and all that, but this mother fucker really thought I would give him a hug for showing me his stomach. It was absolutely hilarious and ridiculous and fantastic. I'm not trying to sound like a bad-ass or a bitch, nor am I one of those clueless morons who thinks the dude was probably kidding and "had me", I'm merely trying to say, in summation, that I love getting hit on because dudes turn into pathetic, approval seeking monsters when they are on the prowel and it is really funny. (Note:that was kind of bitchy. Whatever. Also, if you're trying to hit on a girl, don't do any of the above mentioned. Do,however, talk to a girl as usual and you probably won't end up with someone vapid or slutty. You're welcome for the advice)

Next I lovez:

Pontoon Boats

I love pontoon boats because they just scream party time. Seriously. When you look at them can't you just imagine it full of bathing suit clad beautiful people chugging beers and listening to radio rap? Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I secretly wish I was a "bro-ho" but was never skinny(or stupid) enough? FTW. I'm dieting and saving money for one of these bitches.

My last lovez is:
Creating really awesome MSPaint art

So, people really like to put albums up on their MySpaces showing of their awesome drawings of falcons or tribal tattoos, or put up paintings they did of them and their friends that look like they were made by five year olds, and to me, this is crap. What I do is real art. One day I'll have a MySpace album dedicated to my craft, but I need some new pictures. Leave comments of your pictures and maybe I'll put you in some. Also, that picture above is not my art, that's my friend Chelsea, she's just my inspiration.


I couldn't really think of any hatez today, so I'll just do some easy ones:

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

This shit is disgusting. It tastes like someone poured a shitload of salt into uncooked noodles and then put chewed up chicken in it. I didn't like it as a kid and I don't like it now, and if my kids like it, they'll be shit out of luck.


Teenaged Girls in Mass

I hatez them because when I try to watch Robert Pattinson interviews on YouTube, they just scream the whole time and I can't hear anything. They also will probably ruin my chances of sparking our love affair because he might confuse me for one of them even though I am totally sane and not pathetic... Anyway, they tend to turn into this big blob of loud and stupid. Come on ladies, have some dignity. How could you go that crazy and get that obsessed over someone you don't even know. Sad, sad, sad. (Robert Pattinson and I actually have a connection...so whatever)

Lastly, I fucking hatez
Acai Berry Edge

I have never actually taken this product, nor do I want to, I hate it because it is the product the company that I work for "sells". I use the term loosely because they don't sell it, they capitalize on fat internet nerds by way of pop-ups, telling them it will make them lose weight. It doesn't make you lose weight, it makes you shit. And the free* trial you signed up for? It's not free. It's $79.90. And no, I can't give it back to you. Maybe you should have stopped being so stupid and read the terms and conditions before you put in your credit card information. Don't tell me you feel bad for me or that I should evaluate my life if I'm working for "a company full of scam artists" because I am not dumb enough to get caught up in something like this. You, sirs and ma'ams, should pull the food out from in front of your face and read, and maybe take some of the fat out of your fucking head and realize I just answer the phone and can't solve your problems. I mean really, if you've made it long enough in life to get a credit card and you're still this idiotic, there is no saving you.

So I'm poor, and all of my friends went out to have beers last night and since I had no money, I sat home.Since I had some free time and I am a big fan of watching movies on the internet, I did so and it brought me my first lovez for the day:

Twilight

I get that this movie is for fourteen year old girls, but this doesn't stop me from loving it. I happen to love movies made for the teenage demographic. They make me feel at ease and like the world doesn't suck. Anyway, in retrospect there wasn't really anything phenomenal about it, but it was somehow captivating. That Kristen Stewart girl is oddly annoying. She is sort of like Neve Campbell in the sense that you can never tell if she's crying or just, I don't know, being herself? I remember her in Lifetime movies way back(secret lovez of mine), and for some reason I feel like I've met her before.Weird. Okay, I'm not going to dance around the subject anymore: everyone knows that they like this movie because of Robert Pattinson AKA Edward Cullen. He has this intensity in the movie towards Kristen Stewart's character that will make any girl swoon. No joke. It's sort of crazy how much I wanted to be bitten by a vampire while watching this movie. He probably is a douche bag in real life, but he's still gorgeous and rich and British. I'm going to go buy the second book now. Except I will be Bella in my mind.
Also, here's this just for women's sake:


Ohhh dip. Boy is FINEEE.


My next lovez for the day is

Smoking

I lovez smoking. I hate people that whine about it. I also wonder what people that don't smoke do with themselves. I want to talk to someone? Let's have a cigarette. I'm drinking? Let's have a smoke. I'm driving in the car? Mmm, a cigarette sounds nice. And what do you do non-smokers? Do you simply talk to people and have nothing else to do while you talk? Do you only put alcohol in your body and deprive alcohol of it's most obvious partner nicotine? And do you just drive your car? Pfffft. That's pathetic. Bring on the cancer talk. Whatever. I mean, I don't want it or anything, but I enjoy smoking. I hate how it's made out to be this disgusting habit and I feel looked down upon sometimes for smoking. Go judge a pedophile, asshole.

My only hatez for the day is "bringin' it back".

I hatez when people say they're bringing stuff back. If you just DO it, it's not so bad. "Dude, you's DA BOMB! Haha, yeah, I said DA BOMB. I'm bringin' it back, man." Don't do this. If you coin a phrase, great for you. But most of these phrases were left because they're totally stupid. Here's a list of what you should not try to bring back:
1.Da bomb
2.Forshizzle
3.Crack-alackin
4.Built like a brick shit house
5.Grody
6.Hella
7.Blang blang
8. Raise the roof

Really, I could go on for days. And if you do happen to have a soft spot in your heart for a shitty saying like these, casually just slip them in to your conversation, don't make a note that you are saying stupid things (It makes you look stupid).


(This post is for Charlie.)

So it's 12:30 in the afternoon and I've already been all over God's green earth (normally I don't wake up until now) and since I've been amongst the general population, I am, naturally, angry. Today I hatez:

Fashion

I hate fashion because, contrary to what Meryl Streep says in The Devil Wears Prada, it is pointless. Designers really put months and months of work into that crap just to have maybe ten minutes worth of show on a runway. Is it a sick burn when they go out into the real world and see people wearing UGG's and velour jumpsuits? Or jeans and Tshirts? Do they feel like their lives are a big waste and only rich people who are vapid and clueless and self-indulgent keep them afloat? Well, they should. I also think it is everything that is wrong with the world. I couldn't wear these clothes, I'm a size 12, and I hate clubs that exclude me, therefore, I hate fashion. Stop making me feel fat, fashion models. I hate how ridiculous everything looks, and don't pull that it's art bullshit. Pretty soon I'm going to start crapping in the street and saying, "Oh, but it's art, mannnn." It's silly dressing this way and a good rule of thumb is if you won't go to lunch with your parents in it, you probably shouldn't wear it. And I don't know about your parents, but if I showed up to Cracker Barrel in one of those stupid hats up there, my mom would tell me I look like a moron and that I couldn't sit with them. Once again, jeans and a Tshirt will always prevail.

Next, I hatez traffic.

God, do I loathe sitting in traffic. Not really because it's monotonous and boring and keeps me from getting where I want to be when I want to be there. No, I can deal with that. I hate it because I always get stuck next to either a) some creepy, leather-faced dude who insists on smiling and winking and waving at me every time we move five feet or b) some "gangsta" who thinks that making MY rearview mirrors rattle means his music is good. Here is what I have to say to them:
Dear sir with a leather face, what do you want me to do? Would you like for me to get out of my car have sex with you right here in the middle of the road? Do you want me to wink and wave back to boost your self-esteem? And really, do you even want a woman who you "got" by being suggestive during traffic? Actually, I take that last one back. You would probably settle for any woman under 350 with more than 50% of her teeth. Gross.
And dear sir with da bangin' system, I do not like your music. I appreciate you trying to share it with me, but I'm most likely trying to listen to Mariah Carey or something and don't need the help. Also, having your music on that loud and all those vibrations cannot be healthy. Don't you want to have baby-gangstas one day? Use your brain, dawg.

Hating you both for ruining my commute,
Jennifer Norris.
PS-
Homeboy, lean your seat up, you should be able to see over your hood and they really did design those seats to sit that way for a reason.


My last hatez, is, well, a bit personal. And I really try to leave out personal information about myself because this blog is just supposed to be funny and entertaining, but I really can't resist this one:

Chris Jordan

Yeah, he is hot isn't he? Brace yourself now, because I am going to launch into one of those girls rants. I hate Chris Jordan because he hurt my feelings and, for a long time, I hated him because he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. What a jerk! I am awesome, obviously. I also hate him because he does that thing (which I'm not sure if all dudes do this because I don't really date) where he does something crazy and then you react to it as any normal person would, and he flips it around and makes YOU feel like the crazy one. Yeah, Chris Jordan invented that. I also hate Chris Jordan because he makes me feel weird about him now. Like, why can't we still be somewhat friends? Why you gots ta be such a weiner? NBD, I guess. I don't really know where this thing came from, but, isn't every girl allowed to hate her ex-boyfriend? Alright, cool. If not, suck it.

My only lovez for the day is

Deviled Eggs
I'm sure at this point you've probably made your own judgments about me. But, I do like things other than TV, food, and hating celebrities. I like to drink, be funny, and probably other stuff. This lovez just so happens to fit into my regular taste, but why fix it if it ain't broken? Deviled eggs are a staple on any holiday at my house. I also must tell you that I only like my mom's, so if you're thinking about making me some, don't. I most likely won't like them. Also, if you're one of those that puts paprika or cayenne pepper on top of your deviled eggs, do the word a favor and never cook again.

Ugh today I'm pretty bleh. So you get what you get.

I lovez:

Whose Line Is It Anyway

I like this show a lot. It's silly and boy that Wayne Brady can carry a tune. I think Colin is my favorite, and I secretly always have loved Drew Carey(Remember Mimi from the Drew Carey Show? I wanted to be her...for some reason.) I'm pretty sure it only comes on ABC Family at like, midnight, so if you can pry yourself away from Adult Swim, check it out for a good giggle.

This guy

I don't really know why I love it. I actually think these commercials are really fucking stupid. Like, why are there all these people talking about a pile of money and not taking it? It doesn't have arms or legs, so it is rendered defenseless, so stop giving it weird looks and shove it in your pocket, idiot. Back to "this guy", I think it somehow seems quite loveable. Perhaps it is because I'm poor and it's a pile of money, or perhaps it has something to do with everyones love for those googley craft eyes. I don't really know. I do know that if you happen to have this guy following you and it haunts you like the other idiots in the commercials, give me a call and I'll take care of it for you.

I fucking hatez periods.

I don't hate the actual period, it sort of just does it's thing and I can't really control it. What I hate is that for a good week out of every month of my fucking life, I feel totally insane and angry and sad and just like a real bitch. And to make it worse, you don't notice that you're feeling this way, you just think you're going crazy and that it will never stop. How un-fucking-fair that I was born a female and have to deal with this bullshit. Oh, I have the gift of carrying children you say? Big whoop. Dudes don't have to deal with anything, nor do they have to wear make-up. I'd take the pain of getting hit in the balls every once in a while to not have to deal with cramps, being crazy and shoving a 10 pound person through my vagina. God, dudes suck so bad. (I am PMS-ing.)

So, last night I took a night off from my wild party animal ways and stayed in. While flipping through what could possibly be the worst selection of things to watch that I have ever encountered, I came upon one of those "Locked Up" shows about prisons. It was about Iowa State Penitentiary. Thus coming up with today's first hatez:

Iowa

Iowa is one of those places where you're just like, "What the fuck? Why do you exist?". And that's one of the reasons I don't like it. Look at that map. Does any of that look familiar? No. Because everyone knows Iowa sucks and they'll never go there, so why waste time learning about it's stupid cities? And really, you have just as many resources as every other state but other states actually do something other than suck. Start a vegetable, get a good sports team, something. I think that if I won a free trip to Iowa, I wouldn't even go.
I didn't know too much about this huge shithole, so I took the liberty of Wikipedia-ing it, and still found no reasons to lessen the hate. Wikipedia did, however, give me more reasons to hate Iowa. For example, Iowa decided to start a war with me back in the late seventies by letting Ashton Kutcher (aka: incomparable douche bag) be birthed there. What Iowa should have done was create a sink hole and swallow Ashton's mom before she had a chance to pop out something that universe would regret creating. Way to go, Iowa. This big stupid state also was the meeting ground for Slipknot. Yeah, those funk metal idiots who wear masks and created a whole cult following of fat socially awkward teen aged boys.
Iowa, why aren't you our great nation's capital? Oh yeah, you suck. Why are we wasting money putting a fence in at the Mexican border instead of around you? They at least have good food.


My lovez for the day is

Chicken Wings

There isn't a whole lot to say about chicken wings except they are delicious and I would eat them every day if I could. My record is 17. I am awesome. Go buy me some.